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Rob and Amber Get Married

So what do we have here? Is this going to be like the Bachelor but with a happy ending? I didn't watch Trista and Ryan's wedding so I can't even compare it to that. Will it be like a really elaborate Reward Challenge? I guess we'll find out together.

We start with reminders of why we care about these people. We see the first kiss on Survivor: All-Stars. We see Amber winning a million and Rob proposing. We see Rob carrying her on the Amazing Race. Pass me a Kleenex.

Then, to give it a reality show feel, we learn they'll have to plan this whole thing in four weeks. Or what? They'll get voted off TV forever?

Our heroes helicopter off to the Bahamas where they meet Colin, who is apparently Oprah's party planner. Rob says, "Colin and I wouldn't be going to the same bar, if you know what I mean."

Colin gives them an assignment, again to trick us into thinking this is a game of some sort. They each have to plan a surprise for their spouse-to-be. Marital bliss, back up for grabs.

Now they get down to business: How big's the guest list going to be? Amber throws 500 out there and Colin about passes out. He says a much more workable number has "a two in front of it." They settle on it and Colin says he'll be able to describe the party in three words: "fab u lous."

Rob's pretty much sitting there quietly until the topic turns to food. Then he goes nuts. Amber says it sounds like he's listing every food he's ever tasted. The man likes to eat, just not on the Amazing Race.

They take a tour of the resort and Rob drives the golf cart like Lex is after him. And you thought I wasn't going to be able to work bad Survivor jokes into this.

Can they survive the race
to an amazing wedding?

They choose a spot on the beach for the site of their nuptials. Amber says it's fitting because they fell in love on a beach. Will they not shower for the next three and a half weeks to completely recapture the moment?

The couple next heads to Beaver, Pennsylvania, where Amber's mom's best friend will be making her dress. We hear Colin drop the names of a bunch of designers he's worked with and say he hopes this won't be a "wedding dress catastrophe." Such snoot.

There's more arguing over the guest list. Rob wants everyone to be able to bring a guest and Amber says there's not enough room. The worst is when you only invite a single person and they bring a guest anyway. You know who you are.

Amber has her bridal shower and Rob goes off with her brothers to ride quads. His plan is to "make an appearance" but be "fashionably late." Oh the drama.

Amber is opening gifts by herself because Rob still isn't there. He finally arrives with flowers and that makes it all better. See, this is a TV show.

Next stop: Boston. Three weeks before wed day. Amber springs the idea of dance lessons on Rob. He's not amused. She reminds him that he told her on Survivor that he knew how to dance. He says that was just to get her to go out with him. She holds him accountable for his words on the island and he's voted into some lessons.

As you might guess, Rob isn't a very good dancer. He survives the lesson but the teacher horrifies him by saying they have to come back for another session.

Later, Rob goes out with his friends and tells them his surprise for Amber is a house in Florida. The kicker is it's empty and he needs them to help him get it ready to move into. Hey, everybody take a week off work at the drop of a hat! Gotta love "reality" TV.

Amber's surprise is a huge painting of the World Series Champion Red Sox. Her kicker is getting it signed by the players. She ships it to Florida where they are completing spring training. Both of them in Florida, huh? This could cause problems.

No, just kidding. Florida's a big place. Besides, Rob's now in New York shopping for clothes with Colin. But of course he has to call Amber for her final say. We see who wears the Immunity Necklace in this relationship.

Rambuh forevuh.

Two and a half weeks left. Next on Rob's agenda is furniture shopping…in Los Angeles. Supposedly that's where the gallery Amber really likes is located. Yeah, I'm sure there isn't any nice furniture for sale in New York City.

Rob goes crazy again and buys half the store. He says he spent like 40 or 50 thousand dollars. Just a hunch, but I'm sure CBS pitched in a little.

Back at Chapera, Amber actually gets her monstrous painting into the baseball stadium, and right next to the dugout so she can request autographs. But a security guard comes and kicks her out. No, it wasn't Meredith.

So now Rob's in Florida. Maybe he paid for the furniture with his frequent flier miles. He and his pals go to get supplies for the house. He wants to paint the family room something "beachy" and the bedroom will be "beige-ish reddish brown." I think he broke the rainbow.

They settle on something called "firefly," but decide to call it "kickass yellow" instead. Pahty hahd!

Amber has been banished outside the stadium so she's reduced to yelling at players as they arrive. She actually gets a few of them to stop and help her (thank you, CBS), and one sends a message to "Boston Rob" into the camera.

This is about where we realize two hours is a little long for this thing. Here's how they filled the time:

Rob and his friends paint the house. Rob and Amber go to the Bahamas to select food. Rob wears porn star sunglasses. Amber cries because of the stress and missing her family. Rob gets angry that the world made Amber cry. They write their own vows in New York. They meet with a "mixologist" to invent a drink. One of Rob's friends cuts tassels off a lamp.

8 days left. Rob picks up the rings and adds diamond earrings because she's always worn fake ones. He then goes back to Florida to see the house and his buddies greet him in "I heart Rob" t-shirts.

7 days left. Amber loves her dress and her big sister cries.

5 days left. They meet in Boston and have their second dance lesson. Rob has no rhythm and gets frustrated.

3 days left. They meet with the marrying guy and the license lady. They have a barbeque for their families and then shoot some craps. Aw yeah.

Amber's bachelorette party is swimming with the dolphins and Rob's bachelor party is deep-sea fishing. If this was on Fox the people from Temptation Island would've been involved.

On Fox, Amber would've
had to show her Stuff.

At the rehearsal dinner the night before the big day, Rob and Amber show each other videos of the house and autographed painting. Many tears are shed. Amber cries too.

Day 39, so to speak. Amber gets her earrings and Rob gets a necklace with sand from both Panama and the Bahamas in it, as well as a poem Amber's mom had written for Amber's dad before their wedding.

Amber looks very nice. She has to pause when her veil gets caught in the seashell arch, but nobody falls over. The girls are dressed in typical bridal party attire. The boys look very casual. Rob's even wearing sandals.

Rob's vow ends with, "forevuh, and evuh, and evuh." BeBe Winans and a big ol' choir lead man and wife during the recessional.

Some horn guy plays during their first dance. Rob and Amber say as soon as they started moving their lessons went out the window. Rob says the food at the reception was so good they looked like "rock stahs." Fireworks go off when they cut the cake and native dancers make it a Reward Challenge they will never forget. "Tonight was the best night of my life," Rob says. "Best night of my life."

So, no Jeff Probst performing the wedding. No Big Tom teaming up with Lynn and Alex to light Rob's silk shirt on fire. Unfortunately, it was a very classy event.

We love you, Rob and Ambuh. Forevuh, and evuh, and evuh.

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