First, the criteria need to be explained as "Best" can mean any number of things. My list leans toward the things I like to write about here: humor, strategy, and chaos. Fan popularity meant little and a nice personality counted for squat. My jungle is full of animals.

We begin with the best of The Best Of The Best--the five players who just have to be included or I will be very upset. The game just wouldn't be the same without:

Will the Snake get to feast on more rats?

S1 Richard - The Schemer
Rich invented practically everything we know and love about Survivor: alliances, arrogance, and--of course--public nudity.

S2 Michael - The Killer
Mike from the Outback was also responsible for a couple firsts: first Survivor to slay a wild beast, and first Survivor to inhale smoke, faint, fall face-first into the fire and leave the show without being voted out. Can't beat that.

S4 Sean - The Fighter
Nobody did more with his camera time than Marquesas Sean. Not an episode went by when he wasn't yelling at somebody. Always a plus in my book.

S5 Brian - The Liar
Oh yes, the porn star returns. His entire game was based on deception so he'd be at a major disadvantage this time around, but seeing him voted off early wouldn't be all bad. And you never know, we may get to laugh at his crazy wife again.

S6 Rob - The Player
Jeff called him the greatest to never win. He was easily the funniest Survivor ever and it'd be worth it just to have him provide commentary behind people's backs. Plus he'd get another chance to impress the ladies.

Next is the rest of my proposed cast by season:

S1 Susan
The only rule would be she automatically makes the jury. Sue invented the concept of not bothering to ask the final two players a question. Why try to get more information when you already hate one of them more than the other?

S2 Tina
Coat tails, gravy train, whatever you want to call it, Tina's ploy was to ride Colby's. And ride it she did.

S2 Colby
You can't have the parasite without the host. Only stipulation here is that his mom can't visit this time. I'm still queasy from their last conversation.

S2 Jerri
She also wanted to ride Colby's train, and she was the first Survivor to take it all off for money. We loved to hate her and would gladly do it again.

S3 Ethan
Mr. Nice Guys Finish First Every Once In A While. Plus he had the best Surivor hair to date.

S3 Lex
The yang to Ethan's ying. You can't have too many tattoos or too much talk about slitting throats.

S3 Tom
I still don't know what he was saying half the time, but I know it was funny. His pondering of the hyena-butt-licking philosophy was what you would get if Plato was a guest on Hee Haw.

Pray for more patience, Vee.

S4 Vecepia
She perfected the strategy of not doing anything crazy until the very end. Plus someone has to listen to Sean's accusations of oppression.

S4 Rob
The original Robfather talked a better game than he played but he was always good for some nice insults. He'd have to make another video of him getting into the fridge though.

S6 Jenna
I just want to see her get voted out as soon as possible.

S6 Matthew
Wouldn't it be great if Matt and Mike were in the same tribe? They could sharpen cutlery together and pass the night away with tales of bloodlust. Be very afraid.

I do have all six previous winners but they weren't guaranteed a spot. Vecepia didn't make the first draft in favor of Shii Ann, but the Shii Devil's entertainment value came mostly from being Robbbb's target, and for looking foolish when she turned on her tribe too soon. So I voted her out and decided to give Vee another chance to fly under the radar and subtly stab people in the back.

As much fun as my cast would be I can tell you right now it won't happen. There's no way CBS puts a show on the air without at least one of the girlie girls (Coleen, Elisabeth, Amber) or a couple of the inflated ones (Sarah, Erin, Heidi). They'll probably also leave a spot or two for "All-American" types like Joel or Hunter. They will just end up as fodder for the connivers, just like their first time around.

So, Mark Burnett, if you're out there, please give us brains over beauty and confrontation over courtesy. You won't be disappointed.

Your Minor Leaguer,
Scott

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