I just don't want to let go of another season of Survivor, so I held off on writing this. Yeah, that's it.
It's the two-hour finale! Somebody's hopes and dreams will all come true (maybe yours if you gamble in a Survivor pool like me)!
It's Night 36 and Chris says he got Julie back for turning against him and the other men after the merge. That's a good point, he did owe her one.
The next day Chris tells Eliza that he voted off Julie (without Eliza knowing it) to help his alliance with her. And she buys it. Wow.
The Immunity Challenge is a sweet "vertical maze." This may be the construction crew's best work yet. It's like the world's biggest McDonald's Playland. Each person has to collect ten tiles with letters on them, then spell a two word answer.
Chris, Twila and Eliza are all close. Chris is the first to get all his tiles. He tries to spell Alinta but is an A short. Then he realizes the answer is "final three" and he wins!
Not for the
vertically challenged.
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Back at camp Twila says she wants to gloat about Eliza going home. Eliza says she has a deal with Chris for the final two. There's a bunch of fake drama to imply that Chris would be dumb enough to cause a tie, then Tribal Council.
E votes for T, calling her a cockroach that wouldn't die. T votes for E and says this'll be her happiest night on the island.
The tally goes Eliza, Twila, Eliza, Eliza. Eliza glares at Chris and Twila cannot contain her glee and grins widely.
On Day 38 Jeff shows up and tells them a story. There was this guy, who was a chief, then his brother killed him and buried a bunch of his followers alive. Oh, and they're all on the island right across from camp and that's where the dumb fallen comrades schtick will take place. They end up at the burial site and Scout makes up some language.
The final Immunity Challenge uses modified bows that each person will hold extended, standing on uneven posts. They can't relax on the bowstring or the arrow will move forward and pierce a paper disk. You're also eliminated if you fall off the post.
Twila points her arrow into the air. Wouldn't that make your arms more tired? Scout is, as always, the first one out. Give her a lot of credit for getting this far with less of a leg than Chad.
Thirty minutes in and Chris almost falls. He tells Twila he'll pick her for the final if she steps down. She replies, "I might fall off this thing and ram this thing through my ass but I sure as hell ain't going to step down off this pole." I'll take that as a no.
After one hour and seven minutes, Twila loses her balance and her arrow slips. Game over. Chris wins Immunity again!
At Tribal Council Scout says "there can't be a bad outcome" among the final three. Twila says she only wants to win.
Chris votes. Jeff reads it: Scout.
Chris points
to Immunity.
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Chris gets a lip-to-lip kiss from Scout. Not sure how much money I'd need to go through that.
Day 39. The final day. Chris encourages Twila not to take any crap from the jury, then telling us he's going to be more polite. The guy almost overplays at times.
They sit on the hammock together and it breaks. I'm sure there's a metaphor in there somewhere.
Final Tribal Council! The jury walks in and you can tell they've put more thought into their attire this season. Sarge has on a wild red, white and blue shirt, and Julie and Eliza are spiffed up and showing skin. They know the drill.
Chris gets the floor first and he says he was loyal to his alliances and overcame the most odds as the last man. How can you be loyal to your alliances when you've got alliances with everybody?
Twila says she did everything in order to win. She admits she made some mistakes but she deserves the million because she worked hard for it. Early advantage: Twila.
Eliza calls Twila a "deceptive lying bitch." That's much worse than being called a deceptive honest bitch. Even though she envies Twila's spot in the game, she says, "I do not envy your life." That registers on the Susan Hawkometer.
Chris isn't safe either. "You were a deceptive lying bitch too." She wants an apology from both of them. It's the annual The Game Revolves Around Me candidate. Twila says Eliza doesn't owe her an apology for how she feels, so she doesn't owe Eliza an apology for thinking she's a "spoiled little child." Touché.
Chris on the other hand says Eliza does deserve an apology and he gladly gives it. Way to grovel for that vote.
Julie is next and she's weeping. She says her vote will either be for Chris or against him. She asks why he had to talk about their friendship before turning on her and he wants to know when he started playing her. Chris says he meant what he said at the time and just changed his mind at the end. Then he whips up some tears! Good show.
Leann brings up Twila swearing on her son. Twila, too, says she planned on keeping her promise at the time but she changed her mind when Ami and Leann replaced Scout with Julie in their alliance.
Leann tells Chris she did plan on voting for a woman so why shouldn't she now? Chris says because he has persevered through so much.
Dignity is overrated.
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Ami gets helped down from the jury box. Always the queen. Ami says she's surprised Twila wouldn't apologize to Eliza for a million but she would lie for a million. She's also surprised Chris lied to Eliza and Julie when he didn't need to (because he already had the majority). These are both valid points. She asks the standard "Why are you there while I'm here?" question.
Chris says he's where he is because Ami thought with her heart which gave him a chance. He does grovel well. Twila also says her success was due to being "a little harder, a little colder" than Ami. Telling someone they didn't win because they're a super great person isn't a bad way to go.
Chad asks Twila what has changed about her. She says she's learned she needs to watch what she says and not judge others so quickly. Chris says he's seen what came out of everyone when big money was on the line. He says the members of the jury had more "genuine qualities" than he or Twila and he needs to learn from that and be better for it. Translation: ALL of you didn't win because you're super great people and I'm slime. He has no shame!
Sarge tells Twila he never wants to see her again. Ouch! He asks if $1 million is the price for sending her son to Hell. Eternal ouch! Twila says no, it's not the price. Sarge says, however, he's so angry at Chris he's "99.9%" voting for Twila. He wants to know where his friendship with Chris stands now that he's not getting a vote. Chris says he doesn't care if Sarge votes for Twila, he'll still be Sarge's friend.
You get the feeling someone could say, "My vote goes to the first person to hand me a vital organ," and Chris would tear open his abdomen before they finished the sentence.
Scout says Twila "can't not be Twila" and Chris has bullpoop up to his eyes. That is all.
Final statement time. Twila says she doesn't lie back home. She did here because she was selfish and didn't care about anyone's feelings. She doesn't like what the money has done to her. What Sarge said hurts badly because she respects him so much. She starts to get choked up as she says the game played her. Her final thought is: "If you can forgive me, maybe I can forgive myself." Is she reading off cue cards? That was excellent!
Chris doesn't get down on his knees, but he should have. He tells Scout she's right, he's full of crap. He tells Julie he doesn't care about her vote either as long as they can be friends, and he has her hat. He apologizes to Eliza again. He tells Sarge and Chad to vote from their heart and says he made two friends.
He's going to need a lot of Chap Stick after all that butt kissing.
The votes are cast! Sarge votes for Chris. "Psych!" he says. I'm going to miss Sarge. How else am I going to learn what was cool fifteen years ago?
Scout votes for Twila. Duh. Eliza votes for Chris. She says her feelings were hurt but she likes him better. Lesser of two evils I guess. Ami votes for Twila because she gave more honest answers. And because she doesn't have testes.
Next…the moment you've all been waiting for. Announcing the winner? No…Jeff's ride to America!
Dramatic music fills the air. Our hero grabs a torch and machete. With the vote urn tucked safely under his strapping arm he hacks his way through the dense foliage. All night he labors. The darkness fades and a new day is born. Finally, he reaches a clearing where a plane awaits. Freedom!
Thanks to an Indiana Jones-type map we know Jeff's plane flies from Vanuatu to Hawaii and over to California. Sir Probst glances out the window and says, "This is where I get off." He's not going to…oh no…yes he is! The dimpled one jumps out of the plane and parachutes to the earth below.
But wait. There's more.
He neatly lands next to a motorcycle. After securing his precious cargo he puts on a jet-black helmet (safety first) and rides off, straight into the CBS studios in Los Angeles.
Someone pass me a tissue.
A hair-don't.
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Now pass me another one because I can't stop laughing after seeing Twila's hair. Those are million dollar bangs.
Let's tally for all the marbles: Chris. Chris. Twila. Twila. Those are the votes we saw.
Chris.
Chris! The Survivor Vanuatu champion has the world's longest ponytail!
Chris jumps up, gets bleeped out and rushes off stage into the arms of his hillbilly family.
Now he's truly the last man standing.
Coming soon: The Reunion!
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