Survivor is back.

We start with Jeff Probst standing on a live volcano. Is there a cooler man alive? No. There's not.

The new Survivors are on a boat and a slew of natives canoe out to meet them. Jeff says they'll experience a tribal ritual that will be beautiful, repulsive, and frightening at the same time. They're going to watch a Christina Aguilera video?

As they climb into their canoes, Travis capsizes his. And you wonder why they call him "Bubba."

Once on shore, warriors run at them with spears. Rory says they didn't point any at him because he's black. Already playing the Get Out Of Spearing Free card.

Some tribesmen dressed like the Stanford mascot separate the men from the women. The chief gives the men a drink that Rory says makes your entire mouth numb. Bubba gags on it. Yet Ami wishes she had some. "I'm not used to being put second behind a man," she says. Must…bite…tongue.

The natives bring out a live pig hanging upside down from a stick. They kill it with a big ax-like device. Somewhere Outback Michael smiles.

The chief puts blood on each man's forehead. I'm not sure why the women would want that either. Jeff displays a "spiritual stone" that's supposed to ward off evil spirits. A tribesman puts it on top of a tall pole greased with pig fat. If the male Survivors can climb up and get it, they get to keep it. No way they get that stone.

The Chief picks FBI Brady to try first. He climbs right up to the top! The ladies are impressed already.

One of these swimsuits is not like the others…

It immediately starts pouring. Jeff hands out buffs to the gender-based tribes. Chris is excited because he says he can outsmart men easier than women. Why not just say, "Women are disgusted by the mere sight of me"?

The new tribes are sent to find their camps with no map or light of any kind. The female tribe, Yasur, starts arguing early. Scout wants to just sit down and wait out the night. Others want to keep going. They finally agree to move on.

The men, Lopevi, have a disagreement as well. Rory wants to split up and cover more ground while everyone else wants to stick together. Both tribes find their beach and no one gets hurt.

Day 2 and Scout, Twila and Leann are working on a shelter. The younger girls are bathing in the ocean. Scout calls them sorority girls. Eliza says they were only taking "reasonable breaks," easily winning the Marquesas Sarah Memorial Trophy.

Brady thinks he knows how to make fire. He doesn't. Chris says he "has the frame but doesn't have the brain." I'm sure the ladies love little rhymes like that.

Chad pulls off his leg. He lost below his right knee to cancer only twenty months ago and wears a prosthesis. Everyone is impressed with his strength. Brady says they're "screwed" because he's nice in addition to being courageous and inspirational. Just like Jeff said in his preview. All hail.

Day 3 and the ladies get mail. The first Challenge will be for fire. It's an obstacle course for both Reward and Immunity. First they crawl under a frame through mud. Then some of them have to move a big wooden maze to get a ball through it (I apologize if you didn't see it because I know that makes no sense). Then there's a balance beam, followed by building a fire to burn through a rope to release a torch. The winning tribe gets flint and an ugly idol with pointy teeth.

See how cool the maze is??

The men are first through the mud. The maze is really really cool. I hope you saw it. There are fake openings that the ball doesn't fit through. The dudes get that done first too.

Chad is first across the balance beam. Who needs two feet? Bubba falls off. Barefoot John makes it. The women get the maze done as Brady gets across too.

Bubba tries crawling on his belly. Male viewers everywhere cross their legs uncomfortably. Now everyone's crawling. Egads! The splinters!

The women are making progress. Dolly is sporting Daisy Dukes. Chris is the last guy left, but he falls off at the very end! He takes off his shoes and tries again. Another fall! Over and over he fails. Somewhere Amazon Daniel weeps.

The women catch up, and win before Chris even gets across the beam! He is as good as gone.

Back at man camp the young guys talk about voting Chris out. They call Lea over to get him in on it. But Lea has other ideas. He tells Chris what's up and suggests they target one of the young guys. Lea says Brady worked at trying to get fire so wants to target Brook instead. Chris obviously agrees. Brady hasn't decided between Chris and Rory.

Off to the first Tribal Council. Chris says he never felt like he was definitely going home. He says he didn't immediately want to vote out Rory for giving orders on the first night, so he doesn't think the others will immediately want him out. Rory says he gets along great with everyone.

Egads!

Jeff asks about the women. Bubba says they need to respect them. Jeff is obviously looking for a different angle. Brook obliges by talking about their "really nice tails."

They vote. Brook casts his for Chris. Brady votes for Rory. Chris votes for Brook. You gotta think most of the others are for Chris.

The first tally of Survivor 9 reads: Chris, Chris, Rory, Brook, Brooke (hee hee), Chris, Brook again! That's a 3-3 tie with Chris. Another one for Brook! And the final vote is for…Brook! He's dammed already. Get it? Like a river? Because his name's…nevermind.

Next time on…Survivor: The men fight, the women cry, and Rory yells.

They show each vote and Chris was saved by Rory, Chad, Bubba and Lea. Nice bit of deception to start the season. There was only that one line from Lea to suggest Brook might go. We didn't see him annoy anyone.

Will the older guys stick together against the young ones? John and John look like their presidential campaign may be in jeopardy. Then you have Brady who seems to be in no-man's land.

So just like in the Amazon, the women win the very first Immunity Challenge, on another obstacle course no less. Hell hath no fury like a balance beam, huh fellas?

And we've fallen for Survivor yet again.

Your verbal gymnast,
Scott

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