Yes, the bigger your prize check, the better you technically did at the game. But money can't buy you happiness, and it certainly can't buy off the teachers in this here school. Let's run down the Dang Fun Report Card for each of the eighteen contestants in reverse order of finish.

18th - Tina
Previous Finish: 1st
Best Moment: Amber impersonating her in the halftime episode
Dang Fun Grade: Incomplete
Comments: Well, at least Tina can say she set a record that can never be broken. No one will ever be able to top finishing 17 places worse than their first season. Bravo.

17th - Rudy
Previous Finish: 3rd
Best Moment: During the reunion, implying he would have gone off on the backstabbers
Dang Fun Grade: C
Comments: The guy's almost 80 years old, for crying out loud. Just not dropping dead is enough for a passing game, and having the spunk to threaten bodily harm to the liars gets him an "average." Get some rest, Rudy, you've earned it.

16th - Jenna M.
Previous Finish: 1st
Worst Decision: Coming on the show
Dang Fun Grade: Incomplete
Comments: It's all been said. She made a mistake leaving her sick mom but she corrected it in time to say good-bye. I wish her family well. And, hey, ending up with Ethan is a nice parting gift.

The laughter will live on.

15th - Rob C.
Previous Finish: 3rd
Worst Moment: All the crying I did when he got voted off
Dang Fun Grade: H, for Hilarious
Comments: Biggest disappointment the entire season was Funny Rob not getting a chance to do his play-by-play as the game went on. He needed a stooge like Matthew and All-Stars isn't the place to find one. But we'll always have his Jeff Probst impression. All hail, Rob C!

14th - Richard
Previous Finish: 1st
Most Hatch-Like Moment: Telling everyone he bit the shark
Dang Fun Grade: D
Comments: Yeah, he probably had a bigger target on his back than anybody, but even if you put Lance Armstrong on a tricycle you still expect him to win the race. We are however grateful for his share of arrogance and condescending ways. Bamboozle on, Rich.

13th - Sue
Previous Finish: 4th
Most Uncomfortable Moment: Watching her yell at Jeff
Dang Fun Grade: E, for Eek
Comments: That was really awkward, wasn't it? Yeah, Rich is a big perv, but why take it out on the King of Hosts? At least she got some fake boobs out of it.

12th - Colby
Previous Finish: 2nd
Best Moment: Orchestrating Rich's ouster
Dang Fun Grade: C-
Comments: The Colbster really didn't play a bad game. He worked hard and he overthrew the master. He looked past Ethan's bank account and made a smart alliance. If only Lex had been equally smart.

11th - Ethan
Previous Finish: 1st
Best Moment: Leading Saboga to victory in Episode 2
Dang Fun Grade: C+
Comments: Strike one - the million thing. Strike two - Saboga was really, really bad. But Ethan still played his curly locks off and outlasted the other three previous winners. Like Colby, he was one less-dumb ally away from doing some damage.

10th - Jerri
Previous Finish: 8th
Worst Moment: Royally stinking with the bow and arrow
Dang Fun Grade: F
Comments: Her worst moment was a great moment for us. Don't worry, she said, I'm the Robin Hood of unemployed actors. She couldn't even hit the target once. And she wonders why the fine folks from New York booed her. Have fun with your foundation for tortured reality TV losers.

"Ha ha ha, I have no shame!"

9th - Lex
Previous Finish: 3rd
Turning Point: Choosing Jerri over Colby
Dang Fun Grade: Z-
Comments: If there was a 50th letter in the alphabet, he'd get that one. Lex easily played the worst strategic game out there. Everyone will remember how the Robfather lied to him, but Lex's game was lost long before then. I believe Tom over Lex about the lack of a pre-game alliance. 1) It would've been against the rules and could have forfeited any winnings. 2) Having a deal with Tom only makes sense if you're also going to have one with Ethan. Tom wasn't going to turn on Rob and Lex was going to be outnumbered with or without Amber. He forgot to win the early battles before he tried to win the entire war.

8th - Kathy
Previous Finish: 3rd
Most Over-The-Top Moment: Saying Rob was like a son to her
Dang Fun Grade: C+
Comments: She was stuck with Lex (Rich, Colby and Ethan didn't want her) so you can't blame her for her part in the voting blunders. Then she earned extra credit by showing some common sense in voting to give the million to Rob. But I still never want to see her braless again.

7th - Alicia
Previous Finish: 9th
Most Telling Moment: Being voted "undeserving" and "not smart" by her peers
Dang Fun Grade: D
Comments: She really didn't do anything to contribute to Chapera's success and she blew her only strategic move by trusting Rob. I don't think she deserved all the beating she took in the poll Challenge, but she should've seen the writing on the wall and joined Shii Ann's coup attempt.

6th - Shii Ann
Previous Finish: 10th
Best Moment: "Take that!"
Dang Fun Grade: B
Comments: She was the only representative from a crappy season, then she got stuck on Lex's tribe, yet she made it to the middle of the jury. Add her impressive death-delaying Immunity victory and all the logic she was flinging during the final Tribal Council, and overall it was a pretty gritty performance by the Shii Devil.

5th - Tom
Previous Finish: 4th
Most Surprising Moment: Pulling back the handshake from Rob
Dang Fun Grade: B-
Comments: He gets major points for lasting so long in both his seasons. He also did well to hitch his cart to the right pony. But he should have taken Rupert and Jenna up on their offer to cut out Rob. It would have guaranteed him third and he definitely would've had a shot at the whole thing. Don't be stupid, stupid.

4th - Rupert
Previous Finish: 8th
Most Un-Surprising Moment: Losing due to misplaced trust
Dang Fun Grade: A
Comments: The big fella had quite the roller coaster ride. He absolutely stunk during the three-tribe stage. That waterbed shelter of his was as disastrous as they come. He caught a break when he ended up on Chapera but he played his provider role well. He made a mistake in relying on Jenna's loyalty but he showed some growth in the game in being willing to turn on Rob. Plus the guy's a millionaire now, and you can't argue with that. Roar.

3rd - Jenna L.
Previous Finish: 8th
Worst Moment: Yelling at Rupert for eating his own fish
Dang Fun Grade: D-
Comments: If we were grading luck she'd have an A++. She didn't even belong in this field in the first place. Then she ends up with Jerri, the only person more annoying than herself. Then she ends up on Chapera, giving her almost every Immunity plus it pairs her with the most loyal guy in the world. Even with all that she still sides with the couple that could never be split, and she gives in to them at the end. No, Jenna, you would NOT have won before the jury.

So that leaves Amberob. Romber.

She went from 6th place last time to the Survivor: All-Stars Champion. She won a car, a million dollars, and an engagement ring. That'll get you an A every time.

"Winning this award is a great honuh."

But he was simply amazing.

No one improved more than Rob Mariano. In the Marquesas he was lazy, arrogant, foolish, and it all added up to a 10th place finish. In Panama, he was just as cocky, but he had everything to back it up.

Check out these numbers: Rob's tribe won 3 of the 6 group Reward Challenges and FIVE of the 7 Immunities. And we're not talking second place non-losses here. Rob's team was first 62% of the time in a three-tribe game.

So after all that everyone would gang up on him after the merge, right? Even that couldn't stop Rob. He only took 1 out of 4 Rewards, but he didn't win the one you didn't want (Rupert's menu "Reward") and the one he got was for a big ol' truck. And then he won 4 of the 7 individual Immunity Challenges, including 2 of the last 3. He won races, puzzles and endurance tests. It was the most dominating performance since Colby in the Outback, and this was against 17 other players, each of whom bore the title of "All-Star."

Like Colby, Rob's feats weren't enough to earn him the top prize, but he was robbed. Three of Amber's four votes (Lex, Tom and Alicia) were simply to spite Rob. If one additional person has some competitive integrity, Rob's the champ. But, in perhaps his most impressive moment, as he said, "Worst case scenario, we're spending her million."

Congrats to Boston Rob, the Dang Fun Ultimate All-Star Survivor. May your alliance with Amber never be broken.

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