I'm not expecting much from this "episode" but it was a good enough excuse to get people together. Today's pictures are of the desserts from the season's final Dang Fun Survivor party.

What we are watching is officially called "America's Tribal Council." That sounds nothing like American Idol.

Jeff says 38 million votes were cast. Since the internet was involved, that probably divides out to about 50 voters.

We're not in Madison Square Garden this time. In fact there are only "just over one hundred people" in the audience according to Jeff. The plan is to narrow the eighteen All-Stars down to the top four and then announce the winner. That's nothing like American Idol either. I would've ranked all eighteen in reverse order and have each person leave the studio as their name is called. Now that would be worthy of the name Tribal Council.

Boston (Rob) Creme Cake

Jeff talks to Rob and Amber about appearing on multiple talk shows and the covers of various magazines this week. Amber is wearing an odd blouse with a hideous silver flower thing on the front.

Speaking of which, Stephen writes in and says, "Did you notice that Jenna (the non-booby one) looked about 100% better with her TV make-up artist redo while Amber, essentially, looked better after three weeks in the wilderness than she did for the reunion?" I've heard the Amber comment multiple times because it's true. She did look better on the island. And Rob? During the game he was tanned, toned and goateed to perfection. But back in real life he looked like just another guy loitering in a New England bar. Mark Burnett should start running Survivor weight-loss camps.

Rob admits they've already gotten offers to televise their wedding. Will they do it? "If the price is right, Jeff." The Robfather is still playing the game.

Jeff says he's an ordained minister and would be willing to do the ceremony right now. They don't take the Reverend Probst up on his offer.

Unfortunately, Jerri is there. The crowd must have been paid to cheer for her this time. Jeff says TV Guide told him Jerri was upset at him. She says it's because the audience at the finale wasn't controlled. She believes the reunion is for the cast to air their feelings. But Jeff reminds her, "It would not be a show without the audience." True dat.

Rich says he understands that people view him as a character and he doesn't mind. Rob C. actually gets to speak! He also doesn't mind people thinking he's a jerk. "Nobody knew who you were before," he says. "It's a good thing, Survivor."

Probst says some have said they only came to the finale and this taping because of their contracts with CBS. He announces their contracts are fulfilled and they can leave if they wish. "If there's anybody who does not want to be here, we don't want you to be here." Don't EVER mess with Jeff.

The first of the top four is announced and it's Colby. We see some highlights of him in the Outback. Man, it's going to be great when they eventually release all of these on DVD. Best quote from the Colbster: "Because I was lying to Jerri, I didn't lose sleep over it."

Next is the Best Fight category and the nominees are: Alicia/Kimmi, Ted/Ghandia (ugh), Robb/"Backwoods Hick" Clay (hee hee), Rupert/Jon, and Rob/Lex. And the Jeffy goes to…Rupert and Jon.

Jeff asks if anything's changed between Rob and Lex. Rob says he's apologized but can't do anything if Lex won't accept it. Lex replies, "I've got no hard feelings. I really don't have any feelings at all. It's fine." What he means is, "I don't have feelings because my ego covers me even more than tattoo ink."

Ambuh-rownies

How about Tom and Rob? "I'm 48 and I think me and him will work through the pain," a smiling Tom says. There you go. And that's why people cheered Lex and booed Tom the other night. We know who the good guys are.

We relive the first nominee for Most Memorable Moment: Sue's Rat and Snake speech. See, even there, she was bitter at Kelly but she still acknowledged Rich's ability in the game. Lex can't see past his pierced face.

The nominees for Sexiest Male are: Ethan, Boston Rob, Hunter, Greg from Season One (huh?), Gervase (wha?), Burton, Robbbb, Andrew Savage, Alex from the Amazon, and Colby. The winner is that last guy. He asks if it pays anything and Jeff says no. It only pays in phone numbers, right Colby?

The second finalist is Tom! Good for him. He's so happy right now. We see some clips and the feather in the crack is back. After seeing that, Tom gets emotional. "Are you actually touched?" Jeff teases. Tom expresses his thanks to Mark Burnett and everyone involved with Survivor for giving him the opportunity to experience all that he has. Awwww….

Most Memorable Moment #2 is Michael falling in the fire. Colby wouldn't have had a chance to give away the million if Mike's tribe didn't lose him at that point.

The next Most Memorable Moment is the Amazon girls getting naked for peanut butter. If by "memorable" you mean "pathetically shameless."

Rob C. gets to talk again! "Before I went on Survivor I didn't know any hot women and now I know quite a few." Jeff replies, "You got a much cuter girlfriend than you would've gotten before Survivor." Zing!

The Sexiest Woman nominees are: Heidi, Jenna M., Colleen, Elisabeth (woo!), Sarah, Alicia, Erin, Darrah, and Amber. The winner is Amber. I sense a trend toward the recent here.

The third finalist is the favorite, Rupert. More yells. His highlights include his pillaging, the skirt, being horned out with his wife, and the jumping/flapping clip that just won't go away.

Sour Jennas

The candidates for Best Villain are: Rich, Jerri, Porn Brian, Rob C., and Jon. The winner is Jonny Fairplay and he's sitting in the audience in a bad suit and big sunglasses. "I thought this was the casting for All-Star 2. Like, you guys have an award show or something going on?" Jeff busts him for still being jealous about not being on this season. He lets Jon plug the "TNA Wrestling" he's doing which is coming to Fox Sports Net. Jeff congratulates him but says, "Good luck getting into the after-party." Zang!

The last finalist for the cash is Boston Rob. He says Rupert is more popular but he played the game the hardest. We are reminded of when he said, "Amber is slammin'…. Her ass is smokin' too." Then from his first season we get, "Fear keeps people loyal. That's straight out of The Godfather."

Jeff asks Rob if he looks back and wishes he was nicer in the game. Rob says no. "I used friendship in this game. I used every tool available to me to get further. No regrets." That's what you should've said to the jury.

Jeff reminds us of the ebay auction which, as of this writing, is now closed. The highest priced item was a paddle autographed by Saboga which sold for $2,650. Next was the signed Chapera paddle at $1,525. A Survivor Board Game signed by the entire cast went for $1,075. The cheapest item? A signed copy of the Mogo Mogo TV Guide. Even in charity auctions, Mogo Mogo loses.

Next we get the new Survivor location! Sixteen new strangers will do battle in the South Pacific on an island with volcanoes, bats and local tribes with a history of "land diving" and cannibalism. "Survivor Vanuatu: Islands of Fire" begins in September. Aw yeah.

The top-voted Survivor Moment is Rupert stealing shoes. Eh.

Time to award the million. Jeff says he has the check in his pocket and he'll sign it right there. What, is it his own money?

And the newest Survivor millionaire is…duh, Rupert. The big guy finally gets his payday. Mrs. Boneham is excited and their chubby daughter is confused. Jeff signs the check on Rupert's back like he's buying used auto parts.

Rupert's Bearded Cookies

You knew Rupert was going to win, but Ry-dogg emails in with: "Boston Rob is the ultimate Survivor. I mean think about it, he didn't win, so he married the winner." If that's not outwitting, I don't know what is. I hope they outlast.

What did we learn tonight? 1) People have short memories. All five of the non-million categories went to people from the past two season. 2) A huge part of Survivor's success is due to Jeff being such a big fan of the game. He's not the best speaker in the world, but he always asks the right questions and you can tell he loves what he does. He's definitely our best ally in the game.

The show ends with Jeff joining Rupert in some fist shaking and yelling. I love that man.

Well, what do you know, that was actually fun. What do you say we fast-forward the next four months?

See you in Vanuatu,
Scott

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