Survivor All-Stars begins with a reminder that there's no such thing as too much fake drama. We've got three boats speeding toward an island escorted by helicopters manned with Panamanian soldiers shouting some bogus commands into the radio. Oh yes. We're going way over the top with this one.

Sir Jeff tells us the tribes have been kept apart so they don't even know about the three-tribe twist. When they walk onto the beach they learn they're only getting a machete and a cooking pot. No food, fire-making materials, nothing. Survive this.

Chapera is the first tribe we meet and Tom is already mumbling. Alicia says the others know they can probably push her buttons and get her to blow up. *coughforeshadowingcough*

They've got water in a well but will need to boil it first. So they start on their shelter instead and everyone tries to be the boss. The Robfather remarks, "I didn't know I was going to be again on the buffoon tribe. But apparently I'm the brains behind this operation so I'm going to have to make it work somehow." I missed his arrogant charm.

Saboga is Rupert's new tribe. He says he just wants to be a "worker bee" and not lead this time. Good idea.

Bitter and Bitterer

Jenna L. is already plotting against the previous winners, Ethan and Tina. Told you so.

Jerri says her strategy is to shut up. Very good idea. She adds emphasis to the water problem saying it contains "brain parasites that will put you in a coma." Rudy tries to drink it but they stop him. Ha ha, I missed his crotchety charm.

Mogo Mogo is tribe number three. The men take charge with the shelter while Jenna M. and Kathy talk girl alliance already. These people need to calm down.

Kathy passes the word on to Shii Ann, oh, about three feet away from Richard. He walks out and busts them on it so they decide to get it all out in the open. Colby says, "I don't trust any of you sons of guns." Everyone has a hearty laugh. So it's a light-hearted paranoia.

And Richard gets naked. Who had thirteen minutes in the office pool?

Chapera tries to make fire. Nothing. Susan annoys Tom and Rob M. by saying she can't do it and won't even try. Then she goes and chugs a bunch of the coma water! Check please.

Saboga tries to make fire. Nothing. Rudy approaches Lord Rupert about an alliance because he thinks he's a man of his word. Are they acting too soon? Rupert says they're together till the end of the game. Has Rupe improved his bluff-reading skills?

Day 2 at Chapera and Rob M says he wasn't able to sleep because of the poorly made shelter. Alicia wants them to get fire first and the shouting begins. Tom says, and I kid you not, "I've never heard so much cry baby titty suckin' in all my life!" I didn't think you could say that on TV. But I didn't think you could show that on TV either. Miss Jackson if you're nasty.

Big shocker: Rob M. tries to form an alliance with girlie Amber. "For obvious reasons. She's beautiful." Some things never change.

Mogo Mogo tries to make fire. Nothing. Even with the tag tame of Colby and Lex. Kathy looks on with her glasses. Yes, her glasses. The magnifying lenses on her face. All-Stars my behind.

The Man of Flame

Richard observes from a distance and says, "Yeah, I think I could start the fire without even blinking. But they don't need to know that." Some things never ever change.

Rob C. gets the first mail delivery. Notice my man's name wasn't associated with any of the drama. He's playing well right out of the gate.

Rob M. reads the challenge letter and when he gets to the word "unity" he emphasizes it and glares at Sue who is lounging on the beach. Somewhere Hunter is fuming.

The letters says they'll be meeting the "man of flame." "That must be Richard Hatch," Rob C. says without missing a beat. Genius.

The 18 players meet for the first time at the Immunity Challenge. Everyone is laughing and having a good time. They all admit no one has fire. Susan admits to drinking the water. That gives us this peppy exchange:

Jeff: "Navy Seal…is that all right?" Rudy: "Yeah." Jeff: "But is it wise because it's the other tribe?" Rudy: "Yeah."

The game is based on the first challenge ever. They have to jump into the water and pull a raft back to shore, lighting torches along the way. They then drag the raft under a "bamboo crawl" before crossing the finish line.

The Immunity Idol is in two parts, one each for the first two tribes to finish. Last place sends you to Tribal Council.

They stand on the starting platform and Rich gets naked again. Somewhere Osten and Andrew high-five each other.

Fighting leads to winning.

Moga Moga is the first to light a torch with Chapera right behind. Saboga is lagging. Why is Jenna sitting on the raft and not helping push it? They're still last when they get to the bamboo crawl. Chapera finishes first and suddenly the editing tries to get us to believe Saboga has caught up. But they haven't and the first loser will come from the group of Ethan, Rudy, Tina, Jenna L., Jerri and, yes, Rupert.

It's very strange to see Rupert losing and even stranger to see Rob M. winning. Maraamu for life.

Day 3 at Tribe Last Place and Jenna tries to get Rupert in with her plan to target the two millionaires. She's open about it with Ethan who tells her she should be wanting to take a previous winner to the final two. Man, these folks are getting way ahead of themselves.

Ethan and Tina know they have to work together and they want Rupert on their side. Do it, Rupe! Jenna shouldn't even be here anyway.

The first Tribal Council and it's pouring. Jeff asks why Rupert agreed to do this again so soon and he says he's doing it for his wife and daughter, implying that it's all about the money.

Jerri is catching raindrops and slurping them. Jenna squeezes water from her buff. She shivers as she says there's no way she'd let a previous winner win. Jeff is surprised, and I'm annoyed. Does it really bother her that much? Has she seriously spent the past three years hating Richard and every other person smart enough to beat the game? Absolutely pathetic.

Ethan votes for Jenna and comments on her mouth. "You'd better be careful or it might bite you in that big ol' butt of yours." Tina also votes for Jenna but that's all we see. Are the girls after Ethan or Tina?

The first tally of Survivor 8 goes: Jenna, Jenna, Tina, Tina…Tina! Not good. One last Tina and she comes in last.

They don't even get to keep their torches as they leave because they don't have fire on their own. They are super hardcore this time around.

Ethan says, "Don't hate me because I'm smarter than you."

Tina says she expected to be a target and not have an even playing field. Belinda writes in and asks: "Why didn't they put all the winners on one team to even out their chances of surviving? What's the point of inviting them to play if they are just going to be the first ones voted off by all the sore losers??" It was a pretty simple assumption that there'd be resentment toward the four past winners, but I don't think they expected--note Jeff's reaction to Jenna's comments--that it would be blind hate and rear its head from day one.

If you missed Sunday's premiere, there will be an encore presentation on TUESDAY night. Episode 2 will be on Thursday. What happens then?

The tribes continue to struggle without water or fire. Jenna says Rudy's not doing well and Rupert says, "It's killing me to be here."

Speaking of Rupert, what on earth was he thinking?

Autumn e-mails and wonders the same thing: "I think that there are two essential kinds of players, and you need to just figure out which one you are and stick to it. There are good guy players (Colby, Ethan, Tina) and bad guy players (Rob, Rob, Richard). Both are fun to watch and either can win -- but you can't cross over. Especially if you're a good guy player -- Rupert voted against his gut and I think we're going to see him struggle with it emotionally and it's going to affect his ability to play well." A very well-stated theory.

Ethan won S3 by picking two people (Lex and Tom) he thought wouldn't screw him, and he was right. Rupert tried to do the same thing but picked the wrong allies. So this time the good guy who go it right offers the good guy who messed up the chance to work together, and Good Guy B goes with the other offer, which includes one of the most notorious bad guys (Jerri) to ever play. Curious indeed.

The only way this becomes a smart move is if Rupert now embraces Ethan and along with Rudy they pick off the girls. But that would mean Rupert has abandoned his "good guy" strategy for trickery. It's not impossible, since he's trying to learn from his mistakes, but it'd be completely out of character based on what he saw on the Pearl Islands. For his sake I hope he has donned the black hat since his white one won't work with Jenna and Jerri riding shotgun.

I love this stuff. And Sue didn't even get the verbal whupping she deserves. Good thing we've only just begun.

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