Survivor: Pearl Islands starts tonight and you need a preview. Last time they took the audition videos off the site halfway through the season so I have to do everything all at once. And considering how boring most of the tapes were, this was some hard work.

Your Survivor 7ers:

Burton
31 - CA
Marketing Exec
Bio: Owns 5 cows.
Audition: Needed 2 takes. Painfully dull. Lots of hair.
Profile: Talks about sales and survival skills. Painfully dull.
Quote: "Sweet."
Heritage: S1 Sean
Weakness: Too laid back.

Christa
24 - CA
Computer Programmer
Bio: Engaged to race car driver.
Audition: Valley girl tech geek. Even has nerd laugh. Cusses.
Profile: Nasal power.
Quote: "Stop the loop cuz it's gonna crash the server!"
Heritage: S4 Kelly
Weakness: Very annoying.

Jon
29 - VA
Art Consultant
Bio: Once worked for Rowdy Roddy Piper. Hero is Hugh Hefner.
Audition: Goes by "Jonny Fairplay." Loves the girlies.
Quote: "Five-foot-eight, 135 pounds, and ten pounds of dangling fury."
Profile: Wants to have sex on the island. Cheesy lines aplenty.
Heritage: Robb
Weakness: Very cocky. And arrogant.

Michelle
22- NJ
Student
Bio: Like Jon, went to Virginia Tech. Clumsy cheerleader.
Audition: Fly swatter. Non-talking dog. Cute with glasses. Not funny.
Profile: Talks about being underestimated due to looks.
Quote: "Tell them how funny I am."
Heritage: Elisabeth
Weakness: Weakness.

Rupert
39 - IN
Mentor
Bio: Studied nursing. Was a gravedigger.
Audition: Swamp gator and turtle. Weirdo.
Profile: Tie-died shirt.
Quote: "I like the fact that I intimidate people."
Heritage: General Robert, Tom
Weakness: Borderline psycho.

Sandra
29 - WA
Office assistant
Bio: Was in army. Husband in army. Gambles a lot.
Audition: Latina with attitude. Major fighter.
Profile: Easy to set her off. Gossip.
Quote: "I got a hoopty for a ride and I live in a damn rathole."
Heritage: Sue, Alicia
Weakness: Short fuse.

Shawn
29 - NY (now in CA)
Ad sales
Bio: Went to U of Arizona. Bear Down. 'Ultimate Salesman.'
Audition: Interview. Won 6 figures at blackjack. Blew it all.
Profile: Says gets along well with women. Then says long-term relationship fell apart.
Quote: "I kinda had fun with the money."
Heritage: Silas
Weakness: Vain. In it for show.

Trish
42 - MD
Sales exec
Bio: Mother of twins. Former cheerleader.
Audition: Training for 10th marathon. Lots of makeup. Says people will watch to see her.
Profile: Has fire in belly for million.
Quote: "I'm all about the money. That's it."
Heritage: Deena
Weakness: Control freak.

Andrew
40 - IL
Lawyer
Bio: Talks about wife, brother, Nelson Mandela, not much about self.
Audition: Rugby. Trophy wife 10 years his junior.
Profile: Quite full of himself. Says his life/dating experience will help him.
Quote: "I dated many, many women and I know generally speaking what makes ladies tick."
Heritage: Brian
Weakness: Objectifies women.

Darrah
22 - MS
Mortician
Bio: Was "Most Beautiful" in college.
Audition: Inside coffin wearing bikini. Hillbilly getup.
Profile: Country girl. Huntin' n' fishin'.
Quote: "I'm a certified mortician and also a certified ass-kicker." "A hunter too. And one thing I'm not is an ass licker."
Heritage: Lindsey, Tanya
Weakness: Not too bright.

Lillian
51 - OH
Scout Troop Leader
Bio: "Big Lill". Loves them Boy Scouts.
Audition: Really loves them Boy Scouts.
Profile: Does she have any other shirt?
Quote: "Hooyah! Thank you very much."
Heritage: Zoe
Weakness: Bossy.

Nicole
24 - CA
Massage Therapist
Bio: Worked for pro volleyball tour.
Audition: Just sitting there, looking at ceiling. Won half marathon.
Profile: Has had 30 jobs. Willing to get naked.
Quote: "I have no problem getting naked."
Heritage: Stephanie
Weakness: Lack of clothes.

Osten
27 - MA
Equity Trade Manager
Bio: Enjoys "boozing with the fellas from UNH & the Braintree Boyz in Bean-Town"
Audition: Sounds like Barry White did his video. Takes off shirt.
Profile: Wants to keep his temple clean.
Quote: "You can't deal! Don't hate, just appreciate."
Heritage: Nick, Boston Rob
Weakness: Physical threat.

Ryan O.
31 - CA
Electrician
Bio: Has a 20-year-old cat!
Audition: Silent movie. Not sure why.
Profile: Soft spoken. Says he won't complain.
Quote: "I got a one in 16 shot at a lottery ticket."
Heritage: Gabriel
Weakness: Reactionary.

Ryan S.
23 - TN
Produce Clerk
Bio: Makes music and movies on computer.
Audition: Backwards. Most creative one.
Profile: Computer geek with music.
Quote: "It's basically me and my computer chair and the computer."
Heritage: S6 Rob, Mitchell
Weakness: Lack of social skills.

Tijuana
27 - MO
Pharmaceutical Sales
Bio: Not in Pharmaceutical Sales. Quit that and is a waitress. Former cheerleader.
Audition: Oooooh, the "silent film" is for people who royally screwed up their audio. Dad was a bank robber.
Profile: Another soft voice. Maybe that's why sound bad for her and Ryan O.
Quote: "I can be attitude and let you know a thing or two."
Heritage: Kim P.
Weakness: Teeny body and voice.

There's nothing more fun than pointing out the flaws of sixteen complete strangers. It's certainly easier than trying to predict the sole Survivor. The last three winners sure didn't look like champions before the show. Last season I spent four paragraphs using age analysis to pick a winner only to have youngest player ever win.

As for trends, we have three cheerleaders and two people who worked with the dead. The regional breakdown goes: West coast 6, Midwest 4, East coast 4, South 2.

Overall, I'm not too keen on the whole pirate theme. Who wants tribe names you can pronounce? Give me Ogakor and Maraamu any day.

So who wins? I'm not even going to bother with science this time. Going with my gut, give me Michelle, Rupert, and both Ryans. Someone from that group takes the cash. Unless I'm wrong.

Let the madness begin.

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