It's Day 31 and Sandra and Christa now wonder if Jon was lying when he promised they'd be in the top four. You think?

Jon answers the question for us saying, "Promises are like wicker furniture and fat women: easily broken by Jonny Fairplay." Jonny Fairplay easily breaks fat women?

Christa says she and Sandra would have a better chance against two other women than against Burton. You think?

And this is in the first two minutes of the show! Yeah, it's gonna be an intellectual doozy.

Sandra goes to work on Darrah with the reasoning that since Darrah voted for Burton the night before she'll have no problem voting for him again. Except for the fact that Darrah was lied to about everyone voting for Burton. Then Sandra tells Darrah that the reason they switched at the last minute was because they made a deal to vote Lill and Darrah out next! Why on earth would Darrah have anything to do with Sandra after hearing that? "No, Charlie Brown, I won't pull the football away again."

The Reward Challenge is a water obstacle course race between two randomly selected teams. It will entail a balance beam, untying paddles, diving, swimming, and paddling back to the start in a boat.

The Reward is an overnight visit to a resort spa. The starting positions along the course are also randomly selected and the teams are Sandra-Christa-Burton vs. Darrah-Lill-Jon, with the men having to swim the shortest distance.

All together now: OOOOWW!

Sandra falls off the balance beam face first into the edge of the wooden platform. She only has to keep it close so Burton can win it for them at the end. But Sandra can't untie the second paddle! Darrah dives for the barrels and her top falls down. The underwater cameraman is pleased. Lill has once again taken off her pants. That cameraman is not pleased.

Darrah has all three of the barrels loose before Sandra finally undoes the knot. Christa now dives and there are more pixilated boobs.

Darrah's team is in the boat before Burton can even leave his post. It's a rout and in celebrating, Darrah's top slips again. Jon is now pleased.

The unlikely threesome of Jon, Darrah and Lill get a plane tour of the area before heading to the resort. They enter a huge suite and Lill lies on the bed. Put some pants on, please!

Lill is shocked to see herself in the mirror but Jon doesn't mind. Reader Stephen says, "Jon seems in love with himself. What's with his creepy fascination with mirrors? There have been two mirror bits with him cooing over himself. Ick." The guy is his own biggest fan. It's uncanny how he even combs his hair like S5 Brian.

Back at camp, Christa and Sandra confront Burton about Jon's promise to get to the final four. Burton says he hasn't talked to Jon so he doesn't know what's going on. He also doesn't believe he was in danger at the last Tribal Council. This annoys Sandra who says, "The first chance I get to send him, he's going home." You mean like last night?!?

After a massage, the bathed trio gets silk pajamas. "We put them on, pranced around, showed them off," Lill says. Thankfully, no visuals. At dinner Jon orders for the women and Lill is impressed. Does she have a crush on the curly-haired blonde?

My eyes, Lill, my eyes!

Jon digs into his bag of tricks once again and says it was one of his grandma's last wishes that he win the game. Puh-lease. After Lill jumps on the bed, they sit down to talk strategy and Jon tells Lill lots of people are worried about her because she's the "queen of--" (I believe he makes kissing noises, as in kissing everyone's butt). Lill gets offended and goes to bed. Her little heart is broken.

Day 32 and Burton asks Christa if she'd vote out Sandra to advance, and Christa says yes! However Christa says that Darrah is a bigger threat because she was a cheerleader (huh?) so she should go first. The camerman calmly looks down Christa's shirt.

Burton tells us he'd like to keep Christa in the game because she's rubbed people the wrong way and he thinks he could beat her in the final.

Jon and Darrah talk after breakfast and they agree to go to the final two together. Darrah tells us, "He lies but he also tells the truth too, and I know he's not sitting here lying to me about going to the final two." That makes perfect sense.

After the heroes return and Jon brags about their trip, he checks in with Burton. Jon says he's got Lill thinking she's in the final three and Darrah believing it's the 2 of them all the way. Burton is impressed. But when Jon says Christa is next to go, Burton isn't happy, but he agrees to go along with the lying wonder. Burton says he's letting Jon do the dirty work so the jury will be mad at the "bad cop" instead of him.

That night Lill asks Burton if they're still going to the final two. Burton says he's not thinking that far ahead. Riiight. Lill knows Burton is having second thoughts about their alliance, but she tells him, "I am not going to screw you over." She adds, "It pisses me off a little bit, but what can I do about it?" Oh, I don't know…play Survivor maybe??!!

Day 33 and I'm delirious with anger. The Immunity Challenge shooting a pirate musket at three targets. Christa has never held a gun before but she conncets with her first shot! Lill, Sandra and Jon miss, but Darrah nails hers. Gee, you think Burton will be able to do this? Of course, and he's on the board.

Round 2 and Sandra misses low again. Make a freaking adjustment! Christa hits target #2, but Burton misses! Jon is completely worthless yet again.

Darrah ties Christa with her second. Christa goes for the win--miss! Lill and Sandra finally hit one. Jon is now the only one shut out. Darrah aims at victory…and hits the target! Two Immunities in a row. Is she trying to go Jenna on us?

Faaar that guuuun.

Back at camp, Sandra and Christa try to save themselves. We have this delightful little exchange:

Sandra: "Would you be willing to vote him off tonight?"
Darrah: "Burton?"
Sandra: "Yes or no."
Darrah: "No."

Well so much for that. Darrah does agree to vote for Lill however.

The latter is speaking with Jon who says it's going to be Christa. Jon says, "There's a word in the English language called 'naïve.'" Don't you mean the French language? I'm going crazy here.

Tribal Council will finally reveal the truth. Sandra says she'd hate to go up against Lill in the final because everyone likes her. Lill is flattered but hopes the jury doesn't base its vote on whether or not someone was nice. And my brain just exploded. Let me get this straight, Lill. You want the jury not to factor in the only thing that could possibly get you any votes?!?!? I'm going to cry.

Jeff asks everybody one by one if they trust their current alliances. Every single person says yes and Jeff laughs at them. Why are we like that? "Yeah, I know he's a liar, and he's cheated on his past three girlfriends, but I know he's faithful to me."

So what's really going to happen? It has to be Sandra or Christa. I think Darrah and Lill are both caught in the men's web.

They vote and we don't see the name but Jon says, "Whether you like it or don't like it, you'd better learn to love it, because it's the best thing on today. Wooo!" Enough with the random wrestling quotes!

Christa also casts a hidden vote and mumbles something completely unintelligible. Sandra votes for Lill because Lill is nice.

"I'm not worried. Jon promised!"

The first vote is for…Christa. It's her. The rest of the tally goes Lill, Lill, Christa, Christa, Christa. The peeping cameraman is not pleased.

Jeff closes by saying, "With only six days and five very clearly skilled lairs still in it, it should be a fun finish." Yeah, if you like jerks and morons.

Next week on…Survivor: "The guys are feeling cocky. The girls are getting fed up. And it all comes to a head." Jon vigorously swears on his grandmother again. Does Hell have a V.I.P. room?

Christa says she was fooled the entire game, but she made friends with Rupert and Sandra. Well, until she sees that fish episode I'm sure.

We are in quite the predicament aren't we? Sandra was too dumb to vote off Burton when she had the chance so she's almost certain to go next. That leaves us with the clueless emotional wreck, the despicable arrogant liar, and Morgan's mortician model. As for Burton? He shouldn't even be in the game at this point! He couldn't build any relationships in his original tribe and he lost. Man. I really don't want any of these people to win.

My only hope is that Sandra gets bit by a really smart snake and pulls off the miracle.

Somebody hand me a tissue.

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