Survivor: Pearl Islands begins in Panama City. Jeff tells us the castaways have on the same clothes they were wearing on the plane and they think they're just boating out for some publicity photos. Oh, how wrong they are.

Jeff stands on the deck and says, "Thirty-nine days, sixteen people…one Survivor." You gotta love it.

The first twist of the season, as mentioned in all the previews, is the Survivors will be left stranded with nothing but the clothes on the their backs. Sandra's first quote is, "I was like, 'Oh, $#!@'"

They will get their tennis shoes but the Probst asks for all other personal items. Osten busts out two big bottles of booze. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, I suppose.

Tribe Drake will be in blue and the Morgan tribe will be orange. I still think the names are lame.

"Nice paaaaaaants!"

Osten applauds when Tijuana joins his tribe. "She's a Nubian princess," he says. I think he just likes her really open blouse.

Meet Jon. "I go by the moniker of Jonny Fairplay. I don't play fair." Not a good moniker then, is it. I already don't like Jon.

The good news for the Survivors is they'll be able to buy supplies from a nearby village with local currency: 100 Balboas. Yes, I will make the "Yo Adrian!" joke.

The shoes go overboard we begin. Tijuana's skirt comes way up as she climbs over the rail. Not very princess-like. Osten's shirt is off already.

When they get to shore, Morgan members run off on their own while Drake sticks together. Rupert is left to guard their raft. He notices no one has been left to guard Morgan's raft. "Pirates pillage," he sneers. "Pirates steal. Pirates take advantage." He takes all of Morgan's dress shoes and stray personal items! We have our first act of brilliance.

Rupert parlays his booty into a knife (good trade) and a pineapple (not so good) among other things.

Morgan is still running around chaotically. Osten trades everything but his shorts for supplies. He tells some of his female tribemates to flash their boobs for stuff. Nicole is not impressed. "This guy's a jerk!"

Sandra speaks Spanish and is heroic for Drake. She bargains with the locals like a pro. "She was so amazing," Mr. Fairplay says. A local woman tells Sandra she wants Trish's eyes. Trish is very flattered and happy but Sandra says, "The lady liked her. In a sexual way."

Insert "pirate booty" joke here.

Cut to Morganites yelling and accusing some locals of cheating. Tijuana has the same voice as Heidi from last season. That's not good. Nicole already doesn't like Tijuana.

Sandra makes the swap of the day by trading her little gold necklace for an entire barbeque--chicken, foil, utensils included. "Everything," she says. "The only thing we didn't take was the grill."

Morgan is still running around, and Osten has them head to the boat even though they have money left. What the heck? That's like trying to save your timeouts for the next game, only you can't starve from saving timeouts.

Drake on the other hand has a huge stash including a fishing spear, big tarp, and even toothbrushes! They are clearly winning.

Morgan lands on their beach and Osten is already showing butt crack as the elastic in his shorts has long given up. He also has "like, muscles out the yay," as Ryan S. says.

Other Ryan suggests they build a shelter against a rock cliff. They continue even though the rock starts to crumble and fall as they work.

Over at Drake, Burton and Shawn have quickly become work buddies. Christa's loose dress shows a little side-boob. Thought you should know. Back to Burton and Shawn, they annoy Sandra, Christa and Trish by sharing coconut milk with Michelle but no one else. Rupert scornfully calls them the dynamic duo.

The Drakes use their map to find their water well but are devoured by mosquitoes. Jon says Shawn "looks like the moon…except in reverse." What a wordsmith he is.

Morgan also looks for water…but they don't know about the well! Morons.

Night 1 and rocks continue to fall on Morgan. Nicole then gets pinched in the butt by a crab. Osten already has his arm around Tijuana when he mistakes a palm frond for a snake. "I automatically go into freak-out mode," he explains. Good leadership trait.

Head to Drake and it's like night and, uh, better night. They had even secured some alcohol from the village and are having a party. Jon goes too far and starts mouthing off. "Where are the teenage girls?" he asks. "I'm a funny guy!" he tells us, in between dropping f-bombs. Sandra and I can't stand him.

Day 2 and Drake works together to make clothes. Shawn mentions for the second time his suit is Armani as he turns his pants into shorts. Jon explains how Christa's long dress becomes a skirt for Michelle and another skirt for Rupert, a.k.a. "Blackbeard."

The cats in this jungle are feisty.

Tijuana finally looks at the map so Morgan can find water. Ryan S. and Lillian go to the well while the others build a rock- and crab-free shelter. Morons.

Everything Drake touches continues to turn to gold. Burton grabs the spear gun and catches a fish in his first attempt. Rupert--jealous perhaps?--goes out and catches a bunch more. The others rest while he works and Rupert gets a hefty sunburn. He wants to be the tribe's caretaker but he says, "I don't know if I can keep up." Easy there, big fella.

Day 3 and Morgan names Andrew tribe leader. Don't know why. Andrew tells Osten if his shorts fall down during the challenge, he and Ryan O. will drop trou, too. With that kind of logic, no wonder he's the leader.

The first Immunity Challenge is a canon obstacle course. The Immunity Idol is a skull on a battle-ax. Jeff says go and Jonny Nowork starts to run off without helping pull the canon. Drake takes the early lead. Why is Morgan carrying the canon instead of using its wheels?

You knew it was coming: Osten's shorts give him trouble so he and Ryan O. get naked. "What are you guys doing?" Jeff, like the rest of us, wants to know. Sandra says, "They better hope they don't lose their weenies out here." Leader Andrew follows them in nudity, keeping the censors very busy.

Drake continues to lead and the graphic says, "Morgan behind" as we stare at blurred out butts. Kudos to the editing crew.

They arrive at the beach and final stretch. Drake gets stuck in the deep sand and Morgan uses the packed down sand closer to the water to pass them. Don't let the naked team win!

But, true to their form thus far, at the last minute, Morgan cuts away from the packed sand and heads straight for the finish line. They bog down in the deeper stuff and Drake passes on the right to beat them at their own game. Team Nude will be one person lighter tomorrow.

Back at camp Andrew tells the others about Ryan S. quitting during the challenge. They also mention Lillian's weakness. Nicole tells Lillian that "Tawanda" should go. Lillian goes and tells Andrew, Andrew tells Tijuana, and Tijuana confronts Nicole. Oops. "I set myself up in a really bad position." You think?

Darrah speaks! Not sure what she said, but at least we know she's on the show.

Tribal Council time. Nicole attacks Tijuana without using her name, saying she changed her personality and became defensive. Lillian says Andrew is the leader. Jeff asks if anyone isn't pulling their weight and Andrew calls out Ryan S. by name. These guys didn't waste any time in hating each other.

Nicole votes for Ryan S. because he's the only one she knows other people are voting for. Tijuana votes for Nicole.

Nicole will have to get naked on her own.

We've got a Holy Grail-like ballot pot as Jeff reads the votes. Nicole, Ryan S., Nicole, Nicole…it's got to be unanimous…Nicole, and Nicole. Yep. Welcome to the list of First Losers!

Nicole says she knew she'd either be the first to go or last one standing. Right. She admits she made mistakes in trying to form an alliance too soon, and targeting someone just because she didn't like her.

Next time on Survivor: Rupert goes off on Shawn and gives us a Ghandian yell, while someone at Morgan already wants to quit.

We're off to a good start! Sandra and Rupert are great characters. Tijuana is ready for fightin', Osten is a partier and a nut, and Jon is easy to mock. We're definitely going to get all the drama and chaos we can handle.

Who's in trouble? Ryan S. and Lillian are obvious outcasts at Morgan. Tijuana better not go after anyone else. At Drake we have an interest split developing. Will Burton and Shawn emerge as leaders, or will resentment by Rupert, Christa and others doom them to Hunter's demise?

See you next week!

-Survivor Scott

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