Naked Survivors!

But first, reader Teary Thunder writes in and asks, "Hey Scott, just wondering, when are you going on the Survivor show? Would be fun to watch." Thanks! You know, I was this close to applying during the latest casting call. My angle would have been calling myself a "Survivor Guru" and making non-stop references to previous seasons.

It would be fun to get on there, mess with people, and not take the game so seriously, but I think the producers like the wackos who make every little thing a life or death situation. Who knows, maybe I'll allow myself to be rejected next time. If so, I'll be sure to share it with all of you.

On to the nudity!

Day 7 has the men working at camp and Roger tells Daniel to get some water. First he asks if Dan can handle it. Then he tells him how to carry the jug. Then he says he'll do it himself and storms off. Great communication skills. "It really got me hot," Roger says. "I'm tempted to smack the kid around, to be honest with you." Uh, I think I'd take Daniel in that boxing match.

Dan says Roger just barks orders the whole time, and he smells like "old vinegar." Take that!

Hong Kong Matthew: #1 Super Friend

Later Daniel is off talking with Matthew, who out of nowhere starts speaking Mandarin! Not bad. Daniel too is impressed and says they're good friends.

Over at Jaburu, things are falling apart. It's filthy and there are bugs everywhere. "What's with our food?" Jenna asks. "They always want our food." She's not serious is she? What's next, "Hey guys, why do these fish stay in the water?"

They call a meeting and Jeanne nominates Deena to be their leader. She tells us this is because she and Joanna "think she's a little hotheaded and I think she's going to create a little friction." Interesting little strategy.

Shawna says, "We don't need a leader. We need a delegater." Yeah, that's much better. No rocket scientists among the young ladies.

Deena says she knows a leadership role would put a target on her back, but she accepts it anyway.

The Reward Challenge is a modified version of Go Fish. I hear Tiddlywinks is next week. Each person has five personal hygiene items and you try and make pairs by asking someone else for an item you have (just like Go Fish). The winner gets a huge basket of cleaning/hygiene supplies.

Dan addresses Shawna as "The really cute girl with the curly hair." The flirtation has begun. Dan introduces himself and says, "I hope we see each other soon." Jeff reminds him, "You hope you're in the game that long, brother."

Jeanne calls Rob "smiley guy" and Heidi and Alex smile and make eyes at each other. Alex then addresses Jenna by name which surprises her. He says he knows it "Because I'm really really smart and I pay attention a lot." Jenna gives Alex some happy eyes too. As she walks by, Jeff says, "Jenna not showing anything, literally." "Not today. Maybe tomorrow," she coyly replies. It's a hormonious!

Oh, by the way, they're playing a game. The men lead 8 to 6.

It'd be a miracle if they fell for Rob's lines.

Shawna correctly snags one of Rob's items and he says, "It is my pleasure to give you my pumice stone." There's a pickup line you don't hear every day.

This background lounge music is great. Heidi doesn't have what Rob is looking for and he says, "Shot down by another woman!" Deena uses great Go Fish tactics and asks Rob for the same thing he just tried to get from Heidi. They even the score at 8.

But then Dan asks Heidi for the exact same thing Rob just missed on! Great, he's going to blow another challenge. It's now tied at 10, and you need 18 to win.

Jeff takes a moment to ask Rob, "Does that usually work, that sort of witty repartee?" "Amazingly, Jeff," he responds, "it doesn't."

"No, no, no!" Jenna interrupts. "You should hear what we say about him at our camp. It's all good!" Rob turns piranha blood red. "Dear God, I hope to get a merger!" You could cut the sexual tension with a dull machete.

By the way, the women pull ahead and win 18-14. But we already knew that since we saw previews of them bathing.

Back at Tambaqui, the one they call "Robasu" is still glowing. "Maybe some girls out there in the other tribe want to get with me." He says he may have a chance with Heidi because she's a 9.5 in "real life" but she's "closing in on a 6" out here so that "levels the playing field." Dream on, my man.

Dan says he thinks Shawna's into him. Alex says Jenna has an "engaging stare." Dave says, "Jenna is a gorgeous individual. Her butt is so sexy." Didn't they just lose again?

As we go to break someone (Alex?) says, "I really cannot wait to watch it when the girls are all taking baths. 'Heidi, do you need some, uh, help with your bosom?' 'Oh sure, Jenna!'" Folks, we call this foreshadowing.

Bingo, the next day it's time for baths. Christy is more comfortable with the older ladies and she mocks the younger girls who "wash, and be pretty, and check each other out." Nice feather, Christy.

Boom Chicka…

Heidi says, "The cuter girls--me and Jenna and Shawna--kinda went off from the older women because we're younger and we're cuter, and we've got better bodies and for some reason that's like a huge issue with older people." Hmm, maybe that's because you repeatedly refer to yourself as the "cuter girls."

Jenna: "I'm taking my top off."
American male viewing population: Wild applause.

…Wow Wow!

Shawna joins her and we've got nekkidness in the Amazon. "The three of us were washing each other," she says, "bathing topless in the Amazon River. It felt like a soap commercial that went wrong." It sounds all right to me.

Matthew fishes with Dave and they talk about who should go next. Dave says Daniel but Matthew lobbies for Roger. Elsewhere, Rob butters up Alex by calling him the "best player" in their tribe. The game is on.

The mighty fishermen bring home what Rob calls a couple guppies. He also teases Matthew for complaining about a lack of "cooking vessels." Alex says Rob is putting up a "goofy kid" front. Uh, I don't think that's a front. Rob brings down the house with an old man Viagra joke.

Alex says he's been approached by two groups of three, "So I'm kinda the swing vote." Will he side with the lazy guy, or the guy he was fighting with the other day?

The ladies are making great progress under Deena's leadership. They have an actual shelter! They have drinking water! Then, they catch some fish--big ones too! Deena for president.

As they prepare for the Immunity Challenge, the women have their game faces on (which include nicely brushed hair, but still). The men on the other hand continue to ask the Magic 8 Ball about the girls. Even Roger gets into it: "Will Jenna give the old man here a good look?… Outlook good!" For me to get ill, that is.

Dave: "Will the most righteous Dan take the lovely Shawna?… It is certain!"

For the Challenge the tribes are locked in a cage. They have to untie a "rope web of knots" to free a machete which can be used to release a pole which is then used to retrieve keys, which get them out of the cage.

The ladies get their machete first, but the men pass then by chopping the rope faster. The women get the lead back when Dave starts sawing at the rope with the blade instead of chopping it. The dumb boys never recover and the women win yet again. That's 4 out of 5 for the "weaker" sex.

Back at camp, Dan tries to save his game life. He tells Alex that Rob will vote however Alex votes. Roger is confident five people will be voting for Daniel.

At Tribal Council, Jeff asks how hungry they are. Matthew says about an 8 out of 10. Alex says it's more like 8 or 9. Jeff asks them if they should then be fishing more. He never lets them off easy.

Jeff asks Dan about friendships and he says he and Matthew are close. "He's probably more Chinese than I am." Matthew is smiling until Dan says, "He knows how to speak Chinese." Cue the "shut up, you fool" look.

They vote and the only ones we see are Dan and Roger voting for each other. This usually means it's a blowout.

Shawna won't get to meet Dan's abs.

Sure enough, after Jeff reads the votes we already saw, it's three straight for Daniel and he is gone. I admit I'm surprised. I never thought Alex would vote along with Roger. We find out at the end that it was unanimous. Even Matthew turned on Dan!

Daniel says he doesn't regret a thing, then he takes a shot at Roger that I can't quite figure out: "Roger, somebody made a stop-payment on your _____ checks. That's all I gotta say." I rewound it about a half dozen times and couldn't understand him. It's not included in the transcript on the official site (which I wouldn't believe anyway, since they quote Dan as saying he wants to eat some Brazilian "stink"). If anyone was able to crack the code, send us an email.

Next week on Survivor: Piranhas everywhere, and "Shawna wants out." She says she can't see herself lasting 30 more days. Is this the end of the Cuter Girl Aliance?

Lather me up,
Scott

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