When the castaways were announced I never would have picked Matthew to make it before the jury (check out the same preview for an even worse prediction about Jenna). His bio, obviously self-written, just oozes arrogance. It's down right hoity-toity.

It begins with his name. Matthew Von Ertfelda. That's got to be made up, right? I'm surprised he doesn't go by "Marquis" or "Monsieur le Baron." Then there's his luxury item: his high school wrestling jacket. I think he blew it by not whipping it out to impress the jury. "Check out this bad boy. These are no JV letters."

"Who's up for some hardcore storied stretches?"

The bio begins, "Born in Hong Kong, Matthew Von Ertfelda has traveled all over the world." Let us attempt to climb into the memory of His Excellency as he chooses his life path.

"Ah, birth. The sound of studs and mares producing foals invigorates me. For intellectual stimulation I will attend Middlesex School but I am too advanced to giggle at the name. Honors and football captaincy surround me. I believe I would excel at running a Best Western. To Cornell! The housekeeping staff will be impressed if I can speak Chinese. To Taipei Language Institute! Now I'm hungry. To L'Ecole de Gastronomie Française Ritz-Escoffier! I am now a culinist. I must be trained by les masters. But first I want Asians to pay money to look at me! Now I must design fine eateries. My life is complete. What's this--a Survivor application?"

Is there anything Matt hasn't done? Screenwriting? Check. Engaging in "hardcore adventure"? Check. Negotiating "storied stretches of jungle linking Panama and Colombia"? You betcha.

While normal people organize food drives, Matthew has organized "a deep jungle trek into unmapped areas of New Guinea to track cannibals." Now we know where he learned his machete skills. But the best part of the bio is how it's littered with some of the same adjectives and Matthewisms heard on the show: He describes himself as "multi-faceted." He would like to be the Director of the CIA because of the "cloak and dagger operations" and the "inherent risks." All that's missing is, "What's this, like some sort of crotch protector?"

"My multi-faceted vivacious fish takes inherent risks."

Then there's the absolute kicker: "If he wins the $1 million, he will buy a bottle of 1929 Chateau d'Yquem to share with close family and friends." Wine. If he won the million bucks he'd spend it on wine. No big house. Nothing about taking care of his relatives. No mention of solving world hunger. He'd buy a million dollar bottle of booze.

The guy is just all over the place. He lists sand AND tan among his favorite colors. What, no beige? His favorite scent is "fresh garlic being sautéed in virgin olive oil." Can you get that in a spray? He puts Madonna next to Metallica on his favorite music list. He proudly reads Vanity Fair. He drinks "Chateau La Tour, Chimay beer, mojito, caipirinha, Sauternes, Sam Adams Summer Ale." I'm not an exquisite drinker in the least but I'm one Sammy away from being absolutely stumped by that list.

Matthew Von Ertfelda is one of a kind. He is probably the biggest Survivor nut since Michael Skupin. He "resides in Washington, D.C., with his vivacious fish, Reggie." I'll drink some caipirinha to that!

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