The time has come to say goodbye to the cast of Survivor 5, and to do that we look at how they said hello to the producers. Here now is the Dang Fun ranking of the Thailand audition tapes, from worst to first.

KEN
Summary: Talking about himself. Cut to more talking about himself. And a dog.
Quote: "They don't call me Rock because I'm stupid or nothin', it's 'cause I'm tough, like, you know, like a rock."
Creativity: I think that fake crazy-guy speech was supposed to be creative.
Why it worked: NYPD. Period.
Overall Entertainment: Ouch. That was painful. Worst quality tape of all time. I think it's a recording of a TV screen--completely out of sync. And what's with the random dog shots? Not good.

ROBB
Summary: Five or six different shots of him babbling about nothing.
Quote: "I'm pretty stoked to be alive, man."
Creativity: Negative. He didn't even say creative things.
Why it worked: I have NO idea. He looked really dumb, and not even funny dumb like on the show. His Jesus shirt, maybe?
Overall Entertainment: So disappointing. I think it was directed by a chimp with a baboon running the camera.

I can only think of 2 reasons why they picked Erin.

ERIN
Summary: Stands in kitchen talking to herself for about 20 seconds.
Quote: "I have all the qualities that you want for the ultimate Survivor."
Creativity: Her shirt is really, really tight.
Why it worked: Massive mammaries.
Overall Entertainment: Zilch. You just stare at her chest.

BRIAN
Summary: Sitting in his car talking about himself.
Quote: "I manipulate your mind. I control your emotions every step of the way. I make people want, desire, need."
Creativity: Minimal. All based on his words.
Why it worked: A good-looking guy with a MAJOR ego.
Overall Entertainment: Poor. From the moment he arrogantly takes off his sunglasses you can't stand the guy. He just oozes sleeze.

JED
Summary: Sitting in snow talking about himself, slide show of him on dental mission, more talking with a snowman that you can't hear at all.
Quote: "I'll just basically make all the girls fall in love with me, and make false promises to all the guys."
Creativity: He built a little snowman in Texas.
Why it worked: Good looking guy with nice teeth? The dental missionary thing? I'm not quite sure.
Overall Entertainment: The ladies get a quick shot of him and his dad (?) with their shirts off, but that's about it.

HELEN
Summary: Sitting in messy office, yelling at class, doing pull-ups, in pool.
Quote: "I work out with the SEALs, I work out with Army Rangers. If anybody can survive these guys, I can."
Creativity: Tried to be funny by kicking the guy off the diving board. Wasn't.
Why it worked: A very tough woman in a "man's world."
Overall Entertainment: Zzzzz….is it over yet? We get the point. Helen yells a lot.

JOHN
Summary: Hunts gator in swamp, shows off body-building picture, sits in office talking about careers.
Quote: "Don't pass over me just because I'm a minister. I'm not some pious religious fanatic that would mess up the show. I'm a genuine fun-loving guy."
Creativity: Not too much, but didn't need it with his unique life.
Why it worked: He's a great speaker with diverse experiences. Was a financial planner for 17 years before becoming a pastor.
Overall Entertainment: Plain. No laughs in sight. Bad Cajun accent in intro.

The Ladies' Man.

JAKE
Summary: Talks about himself while always trying to look manly.
Quote: "About 20 years ago, this fella said to me, 'Jake, nothing personal, but for twenty grand, I'd screw my own grandmother.'" "As (women) experience my compassionate nature, we will form some genuine alliances."
Creativity: Nope. Just tried to look like Kenny Rogers or the Marlboro Man.
Why it worked: Saw him without his shirt. A 60-year-old in amazing shape.
Overall Entertainment: Worth it if you watch till the end. He actually thinks he'll win because he's smarter than the men and smooth with the ladies! Too bad we didn't get a chance to see Smooth Jake in action.

PENNY
Summary: Comes home from work, strips out of business suit down to sports bra and bike shorts.
Quote: "I'm Penny. I'm Personable, Energetic, I'm Naughty, I'm Nice and I'm Yours truly, so why wouldn't they pick me?"
Creativity: Short and to the point: I'm smart, but I'll take off my clothes.
Why it worked: Showed skin.
Overall Entertainment: You're curious if she'll take it all off, but nothing more.

CLAY
Summary: Introduces wife and daughter, then is naked in the back yard except for some strategically placed leaves.
Quote: "I'm gonna show y'all what a real Surivor is. If you don't call me like I'm gonna tell ya later, I'm gonna come git ya."
Creativity: Nothing we haven't seen before. Even stole Sarah's writing on the butt bit.
Why it worked: Fit middle-aged man (he's in surprisingly good shape) who's not afraid to make a fool of himself.
Overall Entertainment: Eh. After the werewolf mask it's just a cliché, and now we know why Jan called him an "ass man."

JAN
Summary: Teaches class, rides a bike, sits on a swing with "a strong beer and a cee-gar."
Quote: "Now, you might think that I was gonna get on this bike and do like Lindsey did and ride it completely nekkid. But if I did you all would start singin' that song about, [singing] Oh, do your bosoms hang low, do they wiggle to and fro, do you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie 'em in a bow?" Jan has apparently seen this.
Creativity: Uh uh. But she's plenty weird.
Why it worked: Smokin', drinkin', crazy old lady.
Overall Entertainment: You can't help but laugh at ol' Janny. Drink up!

TANYA
Summary: Montage of scenes talking about her strengths.
Quote: "You didn't actually think I was going to be naked, did you?"
Creativity: The fake nudity at the end was unexpected. Good one.
Why it worked: Lots of Southern Belle/America's Sweetheart potential.
Overall Entertainment: Touch and go. The arm wrestling made me laugh, and the un-nakedness grabs your attention, but the excessive length of the tape almost kills it.

What are you hiding under there?

STEHPANIE
Summary: The strip tease and sitting by the fire, then sliding down the fire pole and putting on her gear.
Quote: "I'm wild and crazy. I love to cut up. I love to laugh."
Creativity: A stripping firefighter. That's creative in my book.
Why it worked: Did I mention she stripped?
Overall Entertainment: Hard to judge because they edited out the end. But the opening sequence is uncut so you can see what's under her gown.

TED
Summary: Different scenes of him being a goofball.
Quote: "That's me, dog! That's me right there!"
Creativity: Pointing at a TV screen that we can't see, talking to his pregnant wife's belly.
Why it worked: A giant of a man with the personality of a kid.
Overall Entertainment: You HAVE to laugh at Ted. He even did his "OOOOOHHH!" and his rolling around on the ground.

GHANDIA
Summary: Sings a parody based on the letters in her name, then pokes fun at herself in the kitchen.
Quote: "G is for a gorgeous girl on TV."
Creativity: Great! Excellent work on the song. And she's not a bad singer.
Why it worked: Lots of energy! She comes across as a very fun, confident person.
Overall Entertainment: Wheee! I loved her song, and having her son say, "We're just poor black folks" at the end was hilarious. Great work!

SHII ANN
Summary: Excellently edited sketches about her life in New York.
Quote: "I work with Shii Ann and she's a mean, savvy bitch." "I've had tapeworm, I've had the mumps, I've even had fleas."
Creativity: The whole stinking thing.
Why it worked: Personality, wit, energy, crime fighting--what more do you want?
Overall Entertainment: Now that's what I'm talking about! From the Superman opening to the Wonder Woman ending--great stuff! She even had out-takes. Man, I'm impressed. Give her the virtual million. Nice job, Shii Devil!

The Winner!

Not a whole lot of fun ones. I don't envy the Survivor folks if they had to wade through a mountain of tapes worse than these. The only ones worth watching in my opinion are the top three, plus Stephanie's if you want to see her in a thong. Don't waste your time on the others unless you're a big fan of the person.

Based on these videos, what does it take to get on Survivor? If you're not young, either be in really good shape, or really crazy. If you're an average-looking young female (read: Lindsey or Stephanie), get naked. If you have gargantuan (read: fake) boobs, just send in any old tape and wait by the phone. Other than that, you're on your own.

And now we're on our own for another month. At least The Bachelorette is starting next week to keep us company. But she'll only be our mistress until our true love returns.

Your ever-loving Survivor fan,
Scott

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