"I've always thought Jeffy Probst should host this thing. He's there with them, he knows what went on better than anybody, and he can lead us to some verbal digs and jabs. These people did NOT all get along and it's too bad they have to play nice for the cameras. Let's see the real deal!"

-Survivor Scott, after the S4 Reunion

What do you know, I actually got one right. And not only did Jeff encourage the jabs between the Survivors, but he took a couple shots of his own! Let us boast of the host Probst roast!

He's in the Winner's Club, and the Beard Club For Men.

The short starts with a close up look at our winner. Brian's mullet is in fine form, and did you notice he colored his beard? No more gray for the pro nude dude.

Clay's hair is even worse. Thanks to wearing his hat for an hour, he's sporting some kind of Mohawk-looking poof. Boing!

Jeff goes after Brian first: "You won by one vote over a guy who badgered three people on the jury…. You had to be a little surprise that you squeaked this out!"
Brian: "Well, I mean, Clay, he's a very tough competitor, very likeable--"
Jeff: "No! No, no, Brian, no, no, no. We're not doing this any more. What I'm getting at--let me go to Clay, maybe he'll give me an answer."

I love it! You can really see the fan in Jeff coming out. He enjoys watching the game of Survivor unfold and he wants inside info just like the rest of us.

Jeff asks Clay why he didn't try harder to get votes. Clay says he didn't think Jake would hold a grudge after getting yelled at. It doesn't sound like Clay had much strategy going into the final at all. Ted's speech about him riding Brian's coattails is dead on.

Who is doing all the coughing? Take a Halls, for crying out loud!

Jeff asks Ted why he accused Clay of racism. Ted says Helen told him about it. How interesting! It was Helen's spreading of hearsay that almost brought Ted down in the situation with Ghandia. We aren't told what, if anything, was actually said.

Now we get to the good stuff. Why did Ted, Helen and Jan let Brian and Clay walk into the finals? Ted says he didn't trust Jake and didn't think Jan was "emotionally stable" enough to make a big move. All eyes then turn to the school teacher.

Jan: "I thought they would approach me, and they never did, and of course I could've approached them but I didn't."
Jeff: "Helen, you just turned around and dropped you jaw on that."
Helen [to Jan]: "I did approach you."
Jan: "Oh."

Oh.

That had me busting up. "Jan, I did offer you a legitimate shot at winning a million dollars, but you turned it down." "Oh." Jan's a really nice lady but she was completely outmatched in this game (and this has nothing to do with her age because Jake was older and he played a great game).

Jeff then asks Helen why she believed Brian in the first place and she says it was because he worked hard around camp. That led to the show's best exchange:

Jeff: "Did your opinion of him change after seeing the show?"
Helen: "Yes sir."
Jeff: "Would you have changed your vote?"
Helen: "Yes sir."
Jeff: "Really."
Helen: "Yes sir."
Jeff: "Even for Clay, somebody that you seemed to like less."
Helen: "That would've been tough."

Helen's rapid comeback each time was priceless. She made a lot of fans with this show.

We learn that Ken was the third vote for Clay (joining Penny and Erin), while Jan and Jake were the unseen votes for Brian (along with Ted and Helen).

Unfortunately, we have to go back to "the incident with Ted and Ghandia." Ghandia really went for the diva look and is wearing a silky purple number. Ted says he told his wife what happened right when he got home, but it didn't prepare her for seeing it on TV. He says they worked through the hurt and embarrassment things are better now.

Bye bye, Incident Diva.

Ghandia told her husband right away too and feels bad for hurting him. They are still together and strong, and we see him in the audience with their child. It's good to see nobody's marriage was broken up over this thing.

Jeff asks Shii Ann about the merge that wasn't: "How many seconds before you knew you were dead?" "About point-two," she says, laughing.

Next it's the class clown's turn, and he seems to have the same hairstyle as Clay. Jeff says, "Robb had some of the most immature moments, I think, to probably one of the most beautiful epiphanies. It was the total Survivor experience. Take a look at some of the ugly because, baby, it was ugly." After the standard clips he asks, "When you see that now, what's your reaction?"

Robb smiles sheepishly. "Oh man, completely embarrassed.... It was pretty hardcore to watch it amongst my family and have everybody, like, 'Were you choking that guy?'"

Another highlight of the show is Jeff talking about Stephanie's audition video. "Up next we're going to look at judging a book by its cover. We do this all the time when we are casting new Survivors, and sometimes even we get fooled." We see a shot of Steph doing a strip tease. Cut back to Jeff and he deadpans, "Too bad that woman never showed up." Jeff is my hero.

We get more from the video, including the rest of the dance and Stephanie completely naked in the water. At the end she says, "I'm Stephanie Dill, and if you don't pick me to be on your next Survivor then you can kiss my fish!" which of course held in front of her crotch. Jeff wonders where all her energy and personality went on the island and Steph blames the hunger. She admits she disappointed her family, friends and herself.

Jeff tells Erin, "You were the Survivor hot chick this season, for sure." Erin laughs and says, "In the end people look at me as a well-liked player, someone that worked really hard, not the hot chick with the big boobs." Without missing a beat, Jeff says, "Or maybe both." Many laughs!

Jed (in a strange hoarse voice) says he shouldn't have stood out so much. Shii Ann confirms they lost the challenge on purpose to vote him out.

Robb the Door Knobb

We get a look at some of Jan's colleagues and friends. "Where else would they be?" Jeff asks. "They re at a pub."

Another alcoholic quip from the Probst: "Ted, I know you don't drink often, and it's a good thing."

Survivor 6 will be in the Amazon! "And this time the game will have a twist unlike any you've ever seen." Start your hypothesizing now.

Jake takes the stage and relates the ups and downs of seeing his wife. "At that time I am totally convinced because she ate all those bugs for me that I can whip Ted! I can do anything, man, I'm ready for the challenge…. She walks back out and what do I do? I just melt. Right into mush, man. You know, it's just--it's all about love, that's what's it's about." A great guy who has found real love. He's just as rich without the million.

We hear the sad news that Tanya's father had died while she was on the island. It looks like she's the one who's been coughing so now I feel bad for making fun of her. But she says her going-away party allowed her sister and father to patch up some differences before he died which is good to hear.

I have to mention the live band playing the theme song, complete with a "singer." How do you audition for that? "I've trained in opera and classical voice--" "Yes, but can you wail like some sort of musical ghost?"

John gets to say a few words and proves he still doesn't have a clue. He says he shouldn't have looked like such a threat. Yeah, a threat to break the record for bossing people around.

But the fact that John even got camera time is another tribute to Jeff. There were three or four Survivors last year who didn't get to say one word since the host was too busy screaming, "Look at me!"

Good thing Erin "covered up" with that sports bra.

Looking for a used torch? Wanting to decorate your home with a voting bucket? Go to Ebay and bid away!

Survivor 6 will start in February. We will not have to suffer long.

More good news! CBS has again provided us with the Survivor 5 audition tapes on their site. We'll watch and rank them all for you next week. Can anyone top Stephanie's nude-a-thon?

Your fully clothed friend,
Scott

Email us! Survivor@DangFun.com
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