My Fellow Trashy Used Car Salesmen and Ignorant Southern Redneck Hillbillies,

Every great drama deserves a fitting climax (no, that's not a Brian joke) and we certainly got it last night. But first, reader Stephen has a comment from last week's show:

If you watch the video carefully right before Brian pushes back from the [episode 12 reward] challenge, you will see that Brian actually had it spelled correctly...and then changed it to his first-grader spelling.... I think it speaks volumes as to Brian's cockiness that his response to Jeff's question, "What are you trying to spell?" was not to go back and double check his work but to simply say it out loud as if Jeff is some kind of idiot.

"I love you. I love you too."

Indeed. Brian's Raod Trip strut was a thing of beauty. He truly thinks he is a superior being to the rest of these people. Bow before the Porn Lord!

Tracy writes in and adds this:

I gotta tell you that tribal council jury is driving me batty! They look like the biggest group of sore losers. They smirk to each other at every comment made by the current players!

I noticed that as well. The Sook Jais are not happy to be on the outside looking in. But the beauty of Survivor is the losers get one last chance to shine during the final Council, and did they ever take advantage of it.

On to the show! On Day 37 they get tree mail that includes a bunch of flowers for making floating memorials for the people they voted off. The "fallen comrades" bit is always my least favorite portion of the show. They lost on a game show. It's not like anyone died!

Brian takes a moment to literally pat himself on the back. "You've come a long way, baby," he tells himself. Romance is easy when you're in love with yourself.

The first Immunity Challenge is called "Second Chance" and it's an obstacle course that combines bits from past challenges. The final step is eating a surprise "food item." Heh heh. It's only fair.

Clay takes the early lead as Brian can't find his buried wicker ball. Did they put it extra deep to give him a disadvantage? Jan royally falls on her butt attempting the balance beam. Owie. Helen is just as bad and the men pull away.

Brian passes Clay on what should be known as Ghandia's Puzzle. In a deviously brilliant move he mixes up his pieces so Clay can't cheat. Brian has learned from his mistake with Ted!

The Balance Beam of Death

Jan finally conquers the beam and lets out a hallelujah. The only thing between Brian and victory is eating a dead tarantula. He is terrified of the thing and pulls his hand away after first touching it. His hands are trembling as he tries to eat it. Who the heck kills the bugs in the Heidik household?

Brian finally gets it down and wins Immunity again. He beams with smarmy pride. Man, he's a cocky son of a gun.

We get a transition shot of a big dolphin out in the ocean. Very cool.

Brian says Helen should go next which is interesting. Jan was listed as the "disposable" one in the middle-finger analysis. Brian seems to have a lot of Lex in him. He's getting paranoid and reacting to anyone he thinks is personally threatening him.

He approaches Jan with the plan but she doesn't want to vote out Helen. Brian comes right out and says it: "It's you or her." It doesn't have to be! Clay and Brian don't have a majority but the women are letting themselves be bullied

At Tribal Council #1 we see a shaven Ted who looks like he's dropped about 15 years. Jeff gets right to the hard questions by asking Clay if he has betrayed anyone. "I wouldn't call it betrayed," Clay says. He later adds, "Lying is part of the game." So which one is it?

Jeff asks Jan, "So was it a coincidence that everybody voted for Ted except for Ted?" Jan hesitates and says, "Uh, I don't know." 37 days in and Jan is still overwhelmed.

Jeff: "Brian, have you lied in this game?"
Brian: "No, I have not lied. I've changed my mind a few times."
"Are you lying?" is the most pointless question in the world. If you're an honest person, you'll say no. But what will a liar say? No. Just like Brian.

Polluting the Thai waters.

Helen mentions there being voting blocks so Jeff asks if Ted leaving was coincidence or "one of these blocks". Helen is honest: "It was a block." Jan's face says, "Oops."

They vote and Brian writes down Helen. "Cause and effect. You caused this effect." Can't you see Lex saying that to Kelly? Clay also votes for Helen. Will it be a male/female split?

Nope, the ladies voted for each other. Helen believed the men again! Such a shame.

In her final words, Helen says, "Well, that was a shock, especially since I asked Brian directly if I should plan on coming back tonight and I was given an emphatic yes. So I guess of the three knives in my back right now, that's the one that smarts the most….The three of you that are left, break a leg, and I mean it."

I agree with reader Puffy who writes:

Bet Helen wishes she would listen to her hub once in a while now?

Let's hope hubby Jim is a nice guy, because Helen's going to be kicking herself for years to come.

On Day 38 the remaining three sit around and pretend they're eating breakfast. Jeff rides up in a boat, the Survivors paddle off with their floaty things and I doze off.

The final Immunity takes place deep in a huge cave. Jeff says it used to house pirates and the temperate is over 100 degrees. There will be no Survivor trivia challenge this season (maybe because they screwed up the quiz in S3). This challenge actually looks more like torture. They have to stand in a crouch and hold coins between their fingers. The last person to be holding a coin gets a ticket to the final two.

Squat like an Egyptian.

Less than nine minutes later Clay is looking terrible. He is shaking from head to toe. Brian is calm but that's because he is the devil himself. Suddenly Jan completely quits. Moments later Clay drops all his coins. Weak! The point was to drop them one at a time and then hold your last one with all your might. A very Penny-esque display of endurance by the losers.

Brian now gets to decide whom he will face in the final. Remember though--the person winning the final Immunity has never won Survivor. You can look it up.

Back at camp Clay is feeling good. "I feel very confident that Brian's gonna go in and set Jan on the jury as the seventh member." How on earth can anyone believe him at this point? It sounds like something you'd hear on Cheaters: "My boyfriend cheated on his former girlfriend to be with me, but there's no way he'd cheat on me." Wise up, folks.

Brian shows it's far from decided. "I'm thinking about the whole picture, simple as that…. Put me up against a 53-year-old lady that's done not much yet she hasn't done anything to step on anybody's feet. Clay's played the game very similar to me but I'm not sure how the votes are going to go. I really don't know." I think he has to take Clay who is definitely liked less than Jan.

They go to Tribal Council again and Helen can't bear look at them. Clay starts his suck-up campaign by saying how great all the jury members are. "Everyone of 'em meant something." What a big heart he has all of a sudden.

Brian goes to vote and sniffs the pen. Freak. He takes his time. Is he still not sure?

Jan ran from power the entire time.

Jeff reads the vote and Jan is gone. It just makes the most chance for Brian. Now the question for the jury is: Who do you hate more?

Brian and Clay return to the beach and burn the boat. Somewhere an eBay executive cries.

It's the final day and Brian has a conversation with his best friend. "OK! Excellent job, sir! Thank you." He then bows to his reflection. How does this guy have any real-live friends?

Then, just in case you still held out hope that he had an ounce of soul, Brian unleashes this masterpiece: "This is strictly a game to me. It was about building relationships and cutting your losses to move on to the next level…. But the relationships that you built weren't necessarily real."

Clay knows he's still got a chance. "Ted and Helen felt like they had a pretty solid base with ol' Brian and they may feel more betrayed by him than me."

The moment of justice is upon us. Helen is wearing a nice dress but still can't look at them. In Clay's opening statement he says, "Somewhere in there I had to tell some untruths…. And I can promise you this, if y'all could replace my seat here y'all would do exactly like I did…. Everybody goes through some bad luck and unfortunately I'm coming out of a bit of bad luck." It has become known that Clay had to file bankruptcy shortly before coming on the show. Guess his restaurant wasn't that good.

In Brian's opening he points to his resume as a leader. "It's been a pleasure knowing each and every one of you all…. There's been some form of leadership through example, leadership through merits…. Vote from your hearts and look at the whole time."

Erin gets first crack at them and asks a very good question: Why does the other person not deserve to win? Brian doesn't hesitate a second before saying, "He did not put forth the effort that he could have…. He was more of a thinker where as I was more of a doer."

Clay's response is, "He thought he was the leader of the camp and there was times when he thought everybody should come to him and they didn't always have to come talk to Brian." No, he didn't answer the question at all.

Ken tells Clay he was wrong--he wouldn't lie to be in Clay's spot. He then shines the interrogation light squarely on Brian.

"I had to give Satan this much of my soul…"

Ken: "Why don't you tell the jury why Ted had to go?"
Brian: "I didn't never mention Ted had to go--"
Ken: "OK, let's rewind again. Remember, I know the answer to this. You told me this."
Brian: "Ted had to go because he had a problem forming together with the group."
Jeff: "I just want to make sure I'm clear. Brian told you something--"
Ken: "Well, Brian just told me two different things, which neither one of them are what he told me."

Remind me never to go in for questioning with Ken. Brian's not looking good right now.

Penny makes it all about her and asks them questions about her life. Brian can't name her hometown or anything about her siblings. Clay on the other hand rattles off her favorite college and a lot about her family. Quite impressive. Then again, Penny is an attractive young lady. I'm sure if Erin had asked the same question Clay would've been able to name three generations of her relatives plus two-thirds of her dental record. Earth to Clay--you're not going to score with any of them.

Jake again brings up Brian's comments about the voting being based on work performance. I don't know why he can't just accept the fact that they lied to him about it but won't admit it. He asks Clay why he went off on Jake and Clay says it was because Jake was just trying to form an alliance with everyone.

Next, Ted really surprises me. We'll just let him speak for himself: "Brian, the way you played this game, you truly are a great great car salesman. You sold me your friendship. You sold me your word, all to find out each one of the qualities were lemons…. Clay, you on the other hand, I mean, you sit there only because you rode the coattails of Brian…. You're nothing more than an ignorant southern redneck hillbilly." Go Ted! He redeemed himself there in my eyes. Teddy's nobody's whipping boy!

He then asks if Clay ever made racist comments but Clay denies it. Ted doesn't offer any specific examples.

Jan asks about work effort. Clay says he would've gone and got water more but Brian wouldn't let him. Good one. Brian mentions how he often got both food and water. Jan obviously doesn't care about all the lies.

Helen is another one whose words can stand on their own: "I had my mind made up week two who I was going to vote for, but that got ripped right out of my mind the night I left here. I asked you, Brian, point blank if I was going…. But you and Clay told me Jan was going…. Neither one of you were man enough to tell me. Clay, it doesn't surprise me from you. You lived up to exactly what I thought you were the whole time out there. But Brian…you are the epitome of the trashy used car salesman and I have to tell you it really hurts. You duped me, you made a fool of me, you strung me along and you let me sit here and get stunned." Wowee! Somewhere Susan gives her a high five.

Evil or Eviler?

Brian's response is that he felt betrayed by Helen first. He said she had made a deal with Ted behind her back. I think this is a mistake on his part. It's obvious that Helen had just been deceiving Ted (she told Brian this in the canoe). Brian should just come clean here and apologize to Helen and go the "nothing personal, I didn't mean to hurt you" route. Helen knows the truth and won't accept anything else.

To Clay she says, "I would actually like three--if you can come up with three--reasons of how you contributed to eight people having to survive on that island." All Clay can muster is, "I did stuff every day. I did a little bit every day. And that's all I gotta say." Another big error. She just filleted Brian. Helen's vote is right there for the taking. If Clay takes the high road and admits he could have done more work, he gets her vote. A simple, "You're right Helen. I thank you for helping to take care of me. If I could do it all again, I'd work more," if delivered sincerely will win her over. But stubborn Clay says she's already upset at him so he's not even going to try. Wrong wrong wrong.

They go to vote and Erin votes for Clay. She says he was more honest. This one is a surprise to me after the way Brian answered her question. Erin obviously based it on what everyone said, which is the right way to do it I suppose.

Ted votes for Brian. He scolds him but says, "You are the lesser of two evils." That sums it up for me too.

Penny votes for Clay. Duh. He sounded like the president of her fan club.

Helen votes for…Brian! Another surprise. "In the context of the game I'm a bigger person and can look beyond what happened to me…. Several of the team challenges you almost single handedly won on your own, so for that and your work ethic you get my vote tonight." Helen is great. That took a lot of strength, and I think she made the right decision.

Jeff goes to read the votes and suddenly we're live from L.A. I completely missed the switch until Lorisa pointed out how round Clay's face was. I have to say I like this way much better than the cheesy helicopter ride of past seasons. Plus they did a great job of recreating the set including some fake wind.

Jeff says, "Here's what's at stake for the winner. A new Chevy Trailblazer. Not a bad truck and if Brian knew how to spell 'road trip' he'd already own one." My man!

Here come the votes:

Clay
Brian
Brian
Clay
Clay
Brian

A tie through six! We're down to the last vote!

BRIAN!

The pornographic world rejoices. I completely agree with Helen and Ted. Brian is a world-class jerk who deserves no kindness from anyone. But in the framework of the game, he was more worthy than Clay.

What a GREAT season! Hats off to Mark Burnett and company. I had a great time watching every episode.

But that's not all! Stay tuned for the breakdown of the excellent Reunion Show, coming to an inbox near you on Monday!

Honestly,
Scott

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