My fellow skaters,

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH! Lots of great stuff to talk about this week.

But first, Dang Fun reader PipSqueak wrote in and said that Paschal recently came to their school. Pappy talked about how the Marquesas cast was the only group not to get food and water provided and "it was the first and last time it would happen because they were so dehydrated." It's a good point. We've gone 12 weeks without a whole episode devoted to people complaining about being hungry. This group still has enough strength to play golf during the day. Fed Survivors make for better TV. Thanks, PipSqueak!

Back to S5. Is anyone else freaked out by that fingernail woman in the intro? I'll bet she doesn't pick her nose.

What would Brian Boitano do?

The show starts with a montage of nature eating itself followed by Helen whacking something with a hatchet. Nice theme.

The Survivors start the day by emptying sand from the boat. I don't know why it's full of sand either. Is that Ted's new way of keeping it from floating away?

Brian reminds us that he's the greatest: "What skills come into play this part of the game? Skating skills. Who's the best skater. Ice skater. . . . Mr. Freeze is in the house. Even though it's about 110 out here. Got my skates on." Mr. Freeze? Is that his screen name? So Brian's a sk8r boi. Will they say, "See you later, boy"?

Clay finds a mirror with the tree mail. He checks himself out and says, "Holy crap." That about says it all. They also get a picture of themselves from right before the show. Jan's picture could be her daughter right now.

Ted admires all the weight he's lost. "This is like a tight end, wide receiver." Riiight. I can't quite see Ted gliding through the secondary to catch a pass over the middle. And I don't think many women will agree with the "tight end" part.

But Ted's not done. "These guns right here were cannons. I got like 9 millimeters." Ted's quotes this week are high caliber.

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall Who's the scariest of them all?

Brian tells Ted that Jan is next to go, but Ted is starting to doubt him. "'Don't take anything personal,' uh, 'Everything is based on business.' Well, that sent a signal to me saying that he's wavering in our alliance, that something has changed." Will Ted ignore the signal like Helen did? He says he's also talking to Helen about going after Clay.

Why does Ted have one yellow tooth? Is he Mike Tyson?

Jeff swerves down the beach in a Trailblazer. Remind me not to ask Jeff for a ride. This is the best vehicle to be offered on Survivor though. An Aztek, it ain't.

The winner of the Reward Challenge gets the Blazer, a trip to a spa, and a meal. The game is long race/puzzle combination. Jeff tells them the first piece is under their feet. He says go and they all run off, leading to more great scolding. "You're standing on the first one! Guys! You're standing on the first on!"

Brian and Clay are neck and neck in the final stage. They have to spell something with their lettered tiles. The following exchange is classic:

Brian: "I got right here, Jeff." (Brian walks off smugly.)
Jeff: "Brian thinks he has it." (Looks at Brian's board.)
Jeff: "What are you spelling?"
Brian: (Loudly) "Road Trip."
Jeff: "That's not Road Trip."

"I'm the best cheater ever!"

He spelled "road" wrong! Ted hears it and steals the answer! Ha ha ha! Ted gets to choose someone to go with him picks Helen. Is he still mad at Brian for picking Clay? Either way, Brian is hurting bad right now.

Ted and Helen talk strategy in the car. Helen says Jan wants Clay gone too. It sounds like a done deal, right?

The feast includes many bottles of wine and Ted says, "Helen nor I, we don't drink alcohol. We said, 'OK fine. This is a once in a lifetime experience and we're going to for it.'" Famous last words if I ever heard them.

Back at camp, Brian is fuming. "Ted got in his truck, due to me. I didn't even get a thanks. Should've thanked me." He talks with the other two and Jan says she heard Helen and Ted whispering together. Is she turning on them?

Sure enough, Ted gets wasted. He's babbling on and on and can't finish his thought. Enjoy:

Ted: "Hey! I'm not drunk! Am I drunk?"
Helen: "No!"
Ted: "Hey Helen!"
Helen: "What?"
Ted: "I love you!"

And then the yelling starts. Ted's moaning like he's getting tortured. As he showers. As he gets his massage (poor, poor masseuse). But, no, he's not intoxicated. "My body is drunk," he says, "but my mind is clear. And I'll remember all this. When your mind is mush that's when you're drunk, in my opinion." Oh yeah, you'll remember this all right. And so will your wife, and your family, and your friends….

They lie down to go to sleep on the same bed. Please don't grind on her, Ted….

Day 35 and the winners return. Ted gives Jan a bottle of wine and she cradles it like a newborn. Then it goes down her shirt. "It fits perfectly!" Ick.

Ted and Helen not drinking.

Helen talks to Jan about booting Clay but she doesn't commit. Whose side will Jan end up on?

Helen then goes canoeing with Brian and works that angle. "I am definitely playing two sides of the fence," she says. But then she says she doesn't know if she's going to keep her word to Ted or to Brian.

The Immunity Challenge is another puzzle race. They have to match pieces to complete 10 stairs. The first one to the top wins. Brian and Clay are again duking it out but Brian pulls away and wins his first Immunity. I expected him to be winning a lot sooner than this, but the last ones are the most important.

On Day 36 Ted confronts Brian. "I'm asking you brother to brother: Am I the next to go?" Brian quickly responds with, "No. Uh-uh."

Jan gives us her perspective. "Helen did come to me because if you look at it, I could be a swing vote…. I would think about it from the standpoint of what would be best for me in the long run." Ladies and Gentlemen, Jan has finally joined the game.

Brian says he's got them right where he wants them. "I've got three pieces of ammunition I can use. One, I've got my trump card, Jan, Grandma Jan. She's disposable. Number two, I've got my loyal trustworthy soldier, Helen….My good friend, Uncle Clay." He holds up the last three fingers on his hand and counts them down. "So there's my 3 ins. One disposable [his pinky finger], the loyal soldier [his ring finger]--oops!--and the good friend." Brian just flipped off the national viewing audience. Oops, my behind. That was a big F U to every other player in the game.

They go to Tribal Council and Sook Jai watches Chuay Ghan. We get no real info in the question/answer session and they vote. Will it be Jan or Clay? Or Ted? It's completely up in the air.

The first vote is for…Ted! Then another Ted. Then a Jan. Then another Ted and he's done.

So Helen turned on Ted just like that. But the odd part is, he turned on her just as fast. They had agreed to both vote for Clay, and neither of them did. They both chose to stay loyal to Brian. Man, that guy's good.

"But at least I didn't get drunk, right?"

Ted's final words: "To my baby Morgan, I did this to show you that nothing beats a failure but a try." Words to live by, if you can figure out what they mean. No Survivor will be more embarrassed watching this season than Ted. Sexual assault, public drunkenness…can you be arrested for your behavior on a TV show?

Next week is the two-hour finale! Jeff gives us some good news. "Then join me for the Reunion Show. No singing and dancing, just answers to questions you've been asking." Yes! I've been calling for Jeff to host the reunion from the start. You gotta love his jab at Rosie's singing last year. Ugh, bad memories. Maybe we'll finally get some inside scoops. Scold 'em good, Jeff!

So how is this thing going to play out? Brian has to be the favorite but I still think it's anyone's game. It'll come down to who wins the final Immunity. If Helen wins, she takes Brian in a heartbeat, even though I think it's the wrong move. I think Jan would take Helen as the only other woman. Brian takes Clay to give him the best chance of winning. And Clay? My Dang Fun crew thinks he'll also take Brian because he couldn't stand the thought of a woman winning. I can't argue with that, but I believe there's a chance Clay's greed overpowers his loyalty to Brian and his gender. Clay may think he can't beat Brian with the jury and try to take Jan.

And who wins? Let's break it down:

Helen
Beats: Clay, Jan
Loses to: Brian

Jan
Beats: Clay
Loses to: Helen, Brian

Brian
Beats: Helen, Clay, Jan
Loses to: Nobody

Clay
Beats: Ghandia, Saddam Hussein
Loses to: Everybody else

The only one I'm not sure on is a Brian/Helen pairing. I think that would be the closest vote. Both played the game really well from the start. Helen could get the nod due to her work ethic, and Brian having turned on Ted and Clay to get to the final. But my money's still on Mr. Freeze, Porn Star.

Hey Readers! I love you!
-Not Drunk Scott

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