The show begins with the Survivors on dry land for a change. Jeff leads them to two boats--one for the women, and one for the men. Why do they get a ride all the way to the island? That's no fun. I like watching strangers thrash about in the open seas.

On the beach we have your standard mixer. Everyone states their name, age, and occupation. Ken gets applause for being a New York City cop. I'm telling you now, if the show's rigged even a little, Ken wins this thing.

Let's get the pronunciations out of the way. It's "GON-dee-uh," "SHE-ann," and "TAN-yuh." I just can't stop saying "TAN-yuh" with a southern accent. "Hah, ah'm Tanya from Tenn-uh-see!" Ain't it fun?

"Jeff, can I please have ALL the young people? Thanks."

I know you won't believe me, but I predicted they would pick teams to determine the tribes. I need to learn to predict which predictions are good and put them in writing.

The two oldest Survivors are tribe captains--Jake from the men and Jan from the ladies. We learn one beach has shelter but water is tough to get, and they other has easy access to water but no shelter. Jake chooses the purple buff and becomes Sook Jai, leaving Jan with the orange buff and the name Chuay Gahn.

As the picking begins we see a clip of Jan on the verge of tears saying, "I was scared because I'm not really a leader." Jan's team is not off to good start.

Jan's first pick is the biggest man, Ted. Jake takes the strongest woman, Stephanie. After that Jan's picks are curious to say the least. "I don't want to be on the little old lady's team," Robb tells us. Here's the rest of Jan's odd list: Helen, John, Ghandia, Brian, TAN-yuh, and Clay.

Jake is more than happy with Jan's selections. "I don't know what Jan was thinking when she picked the people that she picked." The rest of his young and athletic choices went like this: Ken, Penny, Jed, Shii Ann, Robb, and Erin was last. Brings back painful memories of junior high.

"Should I be bossy or a loner…or both?"

The new tribes jump in their boats and John is already bossing Chuay Gahn. It never ceases to amaze me when it's clear some contestants haven't watched the show before. DON'T TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO DO OR THEY'LL VOTE YOU OFF!

Tanya is by far the youngest person on Jan's tribe and she doesn't like it. "I got stuck with the group that I didn't think I could really relate to." This isn't looking good for balanced competition. Mark Burnett is probably beating his head against a gong.

However, what Sook Jai has in strength, they seem to have double in stupidity. They land on shore and Shii Ann says, "We all went wild." Rob-with-two-B's leads the way. "Robb is a real case," Jake says. "I've got a crew that's totally enthusiastic and ready to go but they know nothing." It looks like we've got your classic case of brains vs. braun. Burnett's head may be spared.

Over at Chuay Gahn, friendships are forming. They are the tribe with easy shelter as large sandy caves are nearby. Ted and Clay find a place to lie down and get to the hugging. It was like the Jolly Green Giant embracing a leprechaun.

"Hey Ted, wanna hug?"

There is also plenty of food on the Chuay Gahn beach. Coconuts, crabs and clams are everywhere. CG is off to a harmonious start.

Back at Sook Jai, the chaos continues. They go to the beach and Stephanie gets naked. "She is wild. She is crazy," Shii Ann says. "Skinny dipping, everyone should do it, but you will not see my ta-tas." TTTSATT! Ta ta to Shii Ann's ta-tas!

It's Day 2 and Tanya is sick. Not good if you want to stick around. As the group goes to find water, John decides to take a detour up some rocks. Unreal. The guy bosses people around AND acts as a loner. He's Debb and Kel combined.

Helen, Tanya, and DebbKel take the boat to find the water supply. The others are left to swim behind. As they approach the beach, Ghandia wonders why they didn't come out with the boat to get the swimmers. Good question.

Helen and John lead them to the water and John thinks it'd be fun to pretend a filthy pool of stagnant water is their source. Ghandia is not amused. "It wasn't really a time to joke about that." I'd have to agree. John's cool rating is definitely in the negative.

Sook Jai, on the other hand, has water near by. Their main concern is building shelter, but Jed doesn't agree. He wants food so he goes off to try and fish, annoying Robb and Ken. Shii Ann also goes off to find food and Robb just snaps. He yells at Shii Ann to show him her hands. He's serious, he really wants to see her hands. He is seriously crazy.

"Look, a vine! Where's my skateboard? Show me your hands!"

Less than 24 hours in and we've got our first full-blown fight. Survivor 5 is good! Shii Ann vows revenge: "You don't want to mess with the Shii Devil." Aw yeah.

Day 3 brings the first Immunity Challenge and it's a long one. The tribes have to race in their canoes, then someone has to complete a maze, then someone has to dive and unhook a flag, then someone has to complete a puzzle, then they race to the shore. We see the Immunity Idol, and it's an actual idol. Imagine that.

The race begins and Old CG surprisingly takes a big lead. Teamwork is prevailing over brute strength. Jan completes the maze, Brian unhooks the flag, and all is well…until Ghandia tries to do the puzzle. Ouch.

Chuay Gahn had about a 100 yard lead going into that stage, and by the time Ghandia finishes, Young SJ has passed them and wins easily. There has never been a better example of one person blowing a challenge for their tribe. Seven Old Kim face-plants couldn't match this blunder, and Ghandia knows it: "Now I'm feeling like, it's time for sister to go."

It's time for sister to learn how to do puzzles.

Helen says Tanya could go because she's sick. So the question is, do they vote off weakness, sickness, or bossiness?

They go to Tribal Counsel and it's a high class establishment: A wood structure on the water and real torches. No wussy stick torches this time.

Jeff does what he does best and asks Ghandia about her screw-up. "Do you feel responsible for your tribe being here tonight?" "Yes," she says.

Clay then hints at voting off someone else: "The problem is when somebody steps in and disagrees with what goes on."

Jeff: "How do you resolve that?"

Clay: "That's why we're here."

Nice.

Jeff then asks John, "What's been the toughest part for you?" The clueless one replies, "It really hasn't been tough yet." So let's recap--he's bossy, a loner AND cocky. A real winner.

The votes are cast and John votes for Ghandia and Helen votes for Clay. But when we see Jan voting for John, it's pretty clear who's going to go. John is out in a landslide. For the 2nd straight season a fit male is the first to go. Attention future Survivors: Personality counts!

As John departs, Jan and Ghandia get emotional. Even Ted seems to be choking back a sniffle. This is the weepiest tribe ever.

Next, on Survivor: Chuay Ghan continues the fun and plays golf together. Sook Jai continues the unfun and continues arguing. "We're fighting against nature; we're fighting against each other. It's unfortunate," Shii Ann says. Helen and Jan get lost in the canoe. "If I had a pistol in my pocket I would've pulled it out, shot her first, shot me second," Helen shouts. A charming lass, that Helen.

During his final words John says, "This is quite a surprise for me." Amazing. I'm glad my pastor pays a lot more attention to people around him than John does. He followed the Good Book perfectly--the Good Book of How to Screw Up on Survivor, that is. Amen.

So what have we learned? Just because Sook Jai has all the strength doesn't mean they'll win all the challenges. Clay, Ted, Jan and Ghandia seem to have formed a sincere bond. I wouldn't call it an alliance yet, but they like each other. Helen is now the outsider in that group for sure.

Over in Young SJ, a rift has already formed. Ken looks to be siding with Robb, while Jed and Jake agree with Shii Ann. That leaves 3 young ladies to decide who gets the power.

That didn't take long, did it? Lots of action on both sides. Survivor 5 is going to be a good one!

May your canoe buddy not shoot you with a pistol,
Scott