I’ve done a good job of staying away from spoilers so I know nothing about this upcoming season. There are 18 castaways and no indication of tribe divisions on the official site so we could be in for something wacky at the start. Maybe they grab a couple gorillas from the wild and let them pick teams.

Let’s meet the 18 Americans who will be monkeying around in Africa!

Ace Gordon is 27 and he’s a jewelry salesman from Florida. With a name like that he should be either a superhero or a spy. Maybe he sells cufflinks that shoot laser beams.

Robert “Bob” Crowley, 58, is a physics teacher from Maine. I like when you have to explain that Bob is short for Robert. You mean it’s not short for Bobonitus?

Charlie is a New York lawyer. He’s 29 but he looks about 12. “I object to you asking to see some I.D.!”

Corinne from L.A. is the same age as Charlie and she’s in pharmaceutical sales. There’s always one drug dealer. Her bio contains the words “catty”, “manipulate”, “no filter”, and “bitch.” She may want to hire a new bio writer.

Crystal, 29 (I sense a trend), is from North Carolina. She has an Olympic gold medal and you don’t.

Dan from Boston is a lawyer, but he’s an old man of 32. Will there be an East Coast lawyer throwdown? “How YOU doin’?” “Pahk the cah!” “Fuggedaboudit.” And other East Coasty sayings.

Danny Brown is a 26-year-old apartment maintenance man from Oregon. His nickname is “GC” and if they don’t explain that I’ll be really upset.

Gillian is a retired nurse from California. She’s 61 and for her 60th birthday she got a tattoo her hip. No word if it broke.

Jacque is from Santa Barbara, CA. She’s 25 and she works in medical sales. Her name is spelled two different ways on the CBS site. That’s what you get for trying to invent a name worth extra points in Scrabble.

Jessica is from New York and she’s 29 (are all these people lying?). She’s called “Sugar” at the ‘50s diner where she waitresses, and she’s also worked as a pin-up model. I’m guessing there’s not a lot of demand for that, unless you can pin-up a computer screen.

Kelly Czarnecki’s name is worth more than Jacque’s. The 22-year-old retail salesperson calls herself a denim expert. “Tell me, Jean, how long have you felt blue?”

Ken, 22, is from California and he’s every nerd’s hero. That’s right; he plays video games for a living. And – you’re not going to believe this – he’s single.

Marcus is 28 and Cosmo named him Georgia’s hottest bachelor. But it’s not like he’s a Harvard-educated doctor with Latin American roots. Except he is.

Matty is a personal trainer from L.A. and he’s – wait for it – 29. He inherited a trust fund at age 18 and partied until he was broke. So this guy has a long-time girlfriend and the gamer is single. Life is so unfair.

Michelle, 24, is a music production assistant from L.A. She describes herself as “bodacious.” That’s how you get in the music industry.

Paloma is a 24-year-old grad student from L.A. She likes to play poker, but she’s just a little bit better looking than Jean-Robert.

Randy is from Missouri and he’s 49. He’s a wedding videographer with an engineering degree. His bio says ruthless, bully, angry, blunt, mean, train wreck, dirty, smelly, and boring. Corinne, do not hire Randy’s bio writer.

Susie is from Iowa. She is 47 and a hairdresser. Unfortunately her last name does not start with Q.

There you go. Wait, you want a prediction? Fine.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say this season’s winner will be either from California or in their late 20s.

Or single. Only 3 of the 18 contestants are married: the oldest man and the two oldest women. What is this reality TV world coming to?

All I know is I’m going to be married to my TV for the next 13 or 14 Thursdays. Make that XIV Thursdays.

AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

-Scott

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