(Not me, which is why this is late.)

A big negative with a landlocked locale is you can’t throw the contestants off a ship. Instead they just stroll in. Bah.

Jeff makes everyone introduce themselves. Randy tells us he makes wedding videos but he’s not a fan of marriage. Seems like a chipper guy.

The two oldest castaways begin picking tribes. Bowtie Bob’s tribe goes like this: Bob – Ace – Sugar (a reach, perhaps?) – Marcus – Charlie (As he skips over Jeff says, “Charlie’s happy.” Or a synonym for happy.) – Paloma – Kelly – Jacquie – Corinne. They wear yellow and their tribe name is Kota.

The other tribe goes: Gillian – Crystal (Huh?) – Susie (Wow. Charlie wonders if this is “Stupid Survivor.”) – Matty – Randy – Dan – Danny (a.k.a. “GC”) – Ken – Michelle (the leftover). They are red and named Fang but it’s pronounced “Fong”.

They go right into their first Challenge. It’s a race over natural barriers and up a steep hill. There’s an Individual Immunity Idol waiting for each tribe and the winning team gets an extra bag of corn and beans.

Marcus and GC get the Idols, and Kota easily wins. Gillian, Crystal, and Susie (Fang’s captain and first two picks) pull up the rear. Even Matt Millen would make fun of this draft strategy.

As we go to a commercial we get a preview of upcoming scenes. What is this, The Bachelor? “Next, in the most dramatic Tribal Council yet…”

Kota arrives at their camp to find mostly-completed huts. I do not approve. Bob works to patch the roof, then he builds a bench out of sticks. His tribe does approve.

Over at Fang Gillian starts spouting native words. She must think she’s from Africa or something. Wait, she is? Apparently being born in South Africa makes you African.

The African starts collecting elephant dung for fuel then looks through it for food. Randy does not approve.

Ken is excited to be hanging out with Michelle. He says he hasn’t kissed a girl in four or five years and he’s attracted to her. He gets her to eat a termite. She’s all yours, dude.

Back at Kota Ace is being bossy. Charlie says he has a “special bond” with Marcus and his “deep blue eyes.” But Marcus says there aren’t two Adams in this Eden

That night Fang hears animal sounds. Randy hits his head and starts bleeding all over. Medical has to come in on Night 1. That’s gotta be a record.

The next morning Michelle says she’s freezing because she’s sleeping “bone on wood.” She’s upset she’s stuck with the “dorks” instead of the “smart beautiful people.”

Bob made a bowtie out of his buff. Another first. Ace leads his tribe in yoga…in his orange underpants.

The first Immunity Challenge will also give flint to the winners. Most of them are roped together and go through an obstacle course and the rest wait to do a puzzle.

Is it me or are Jeff’s guns bigger this season? Does Survivor do steroid testing?

Kota takes a huge lead and again wins easily. So the “picking people based on PTA experience” strategy isn’t paying off.

Fang talks about voting off Michelle, but Randy wants Gillian out. Michelle and Ken talk about Gillian, and Gillian talks about Michelle.

At the first Tribal Council Michelle complains about people resting during the digging portion of the Challenge and a bunch of people yell at her. Jeff asks if anyone will step up and be the leader. GC says they need someone they all respect, and everyone says GC should be their leader. He’s not happy about it, but he accepts it.

Michelle and Gillian vote for each other and the tally goes: Michelle, Gillian, and the rest Michelles. Even Ken?? It’s hard to kiss girls when you’re voting them out.

Fang loses their bikini girl but they gain fire.

(The official site is calling this next half Episode 2 so don’t be confused when next week’s Summentary is Episode 3.)

On Day 4 at Kota Charlie talks about Marcus’ “whole package” and they go canoeing together. Marcus says Charlie is in his inner circle while Jacquie and Corinne make up his “large onion” alliance.

Over at Fang Randy says he’s going to sit back and watch his tribe “self-destruct.” Such a ray of sunshine.

The Kota onions talk about making Bob their 5th person.

GC wakes up early the next morning and starts washing clothes. After other people join him and start talking Gillian asks them to keep it down so people can sleep. GC gets offended and says he’s not going to be the leader any more. Randy says GC stands for “Golden Child.” How can you not want to be the leader with a nickname like that?

Dan gets his fellow Fangs to put on war paint for the Challenge. They have to push a big boulder through gates with the winner getting Immunity and fishing gear. They will also send the first person to Exile Island where the Hidden Immunity Idol makes its return. Paloma sits out.

It’s much closer but Kota wins again. Dan and his face paint are sent to Exile. Once there he finds the twist is he gets to choose between “Comfort” or “Clue.” Comfort is a key to a relaxing hut where an apple awaits. Get it? The forbidden fruit??

Dan chooses the clue. It says to look for a “sandy crater” but it’s really far away, because Exile Island isn’t really an island. He looks for a long time but doesn’t come close.

Back at camp Ken wants Gillian out. Is he trying to kiss her too? Gillian and Susie talk about targeting Ken.

On Day 6 Randy makes the frame of his glasses into a fish hook. Other people find worms and it works! They catch fish! Fang is no longer Wrang.

Dan comes back and says he couldn’t find the Idol but GC thinks he’s got it. GC talks to people about voting out Dan. Randy says he doesn’t think Dan has it.

At Tribal Council Dan is wearing his tie. Matty admits he’s concerned Dan has the HII. Crystal comes out and says she thinks he found it. Dan stands up, empties his bag, says he doesn’t have it and claims he doesn’t lie. He asks them not to try and flush it out.

Dan votes for Gillian, Gillian votes for Ken, and Randy’s vote is hidden but he says, “Sorry, I wish it wasn’t you, but it is.”

The tally goes: Gillian, Ken, and a whole bunch of Gillians. Did Randy grow fond of her dungy ways?

Next time on…Survivor: GC tries to get Randy to be the leader and there’s a violent Challenge.

That second vote had me worried. We didn’t need another bad tribe voting out all their strong people. Now they can just be regularly bad.

-S Tizzle

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