Welcome back! The season hasn’t even started yet and I’m already upset. CBS completely changed the layout of the official website. No longer do they list each person’s age, occupation and hometown at the top of their bio. What are they trying to do, make me actually read the dang things? The good news is I get to label each Survivor however I want.

Here come some Fans!

Alexis is 24 and she lives in Beverly Hills. She is a motivational speaker for her own empowerment organization. How depressing.

Chet, 42, is from PA. He coaches pageant contestants and he has a belly-button ring. He says he is “magical, determined and unknowing.” That means if you show him a card trick he won’t give up under he doesn’t understand it.

Erik is a 22-year-old student. He works in Hell…Michigan. He has a Hell, Michigan, of a lot of hair.

Jason is also 22 and he’s a student teacher and gymnastics coach at a middle school in IL. In college he worked as a nude model for the art department, and he should probably take that off his resume.

Joel, 32, is from AZ. Yeah! He’s a firefighter. Cool!! He went to Arizona State. Oh. I hope he gets voted off first.

Kathleen lives in IL and she’s 45. She sells food and drinks at a golf course and has previously worked as a bartender, computer graphics artist, and plumber. They may not want to ask her to make big decisions.

Mary co-owns a real estate and finance company in CA. She is 29 and doesn’t appear to have much use for shirts.

Mikey B. is 34 and he’s from Boston but he’s an aspiring actor in L.A. Why the B? There aren’t any other Mikeys, Michaels or Mikes on the show. I hope it’s because he’s secretly a hardcore rapper.

Natalie, 32, is also from L.A. She’s a personal trainer/bartender and she has the worst I’m-trying-to-be-sexy-but-I-just-look-really-tired look on her face. Maybe Chet can give her some pointers.

Tracy is from VA and she’s 43, but it’s a used-to-own-an-aerobic-company 43. Yes-I’m-overusing-the-hyphenated-sentence-gimmick.

Looking at the preview pictures, in order to get on this season you had to be a fan of A) Survivor, and B) showing off your breasts. I feel sorry for Kathleen and her token one-piece bathing suit. I can just picture her being relieved when she learns there’s another 40-something mother on the island and then wanting to kill someone when she finds out it’s an aerobics instructor.

And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for…the Favorites!

Amanda (Season 15: China) doesn’t look anything like last time. Wasn’t her season just a couple weeks ago?

Ami (9: Vanuatu) was a part of the all-female tribe that fell apart. Remember that? Of the final seven people, six were women and they still let the construction worker guy win.

Cirie (12: Exile Island) still has the biggest smile on the show. I am definitely looking forward to watching her again.

Eliza (9: Vanuatu) fulfills the “2 girlie-girl” requirement I correctly predicted. But I don’t remember anything about her.

James (15: China), if you get a Hidden Immunity Idol…USE IT!!!

Jonathan (13: Cook Islands)…huh? A Favorite? Favorite what – guy who sounds like a rerun of M*A*S*H?

Jonny Fairplay (7: Pearl Islands) makes his living appearing on reality TV shows. Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of reality TV? As if we needed another reason not to like him.

Ozzy (13: Cook Islands) looks like one of those boy-band members when you see them eight years later. Who needs Menudo, right Ozzy?

Parvati (13: Cook Islands) makes 3 people from the same season. Will that help her rise from Poverty?

Yau-Man (14: Fiji) looks exactly like he did the last time we saw him. I don’t think he owns a shirt without buttons on it.

(If you want to see the Favorites in all their original glory, or if you’re like me and you can’t remember which season some of them were on, the CBS site has a very nice collection of pictures from all 15 previous seasons right here.)

I gotta say, this isn’t a very impressive list of all-stars. You have 7 seasons (actually 8, since they took Jonny from before the first All-Star season) and the best you can do is Ami and Eliza? How many past Survivors have to turn you down before you call up Jonathan?

Of the 10 “Favorites” there are exactly 3 people that I really liked during their first season: Cirie, James and Yau-Man. Ozzy was an impressive athlete and Amanda was more likeable than Todd, but that’s it. The others were all forgettable or, in Jonny’s case, unforgettably terrible.

I hope my 3 favorites do well but I don’t want any of them to win. I’ve never been a believer in second chances in this game so I will be rooting for the Fans to be smart and band together to pick off the veterans. Do it for the rest of us nobodies!

Just another Fan,
Scott

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