This one time, at Fan Camp…(sorry, just wanted to get that one out of the way early) the Fans can’t get a fired started even with flint. Wait, so every one of you watched every episode of this show and not one of you practiced making a fire??

They take a break to fail at something else instead. The younger members of the tribe are upset at Kathy, Tracy and Chet for not working enough. Jason and Joel work on clearing out a shallow cave for shelter but Jason tells the older three they can’t sleep in it. Kathy cries, but then she and her shunned friends build their own shelter.

Ozzy/Amanda and James/Poverty get their flirt on. They must have known it was going to be Valentine’s Day.

Back with the fans, the outcasts’ shelter is actually pretty impressive. Now the other seven want to be friends again. Then Mikey gets fire. Life is good again for the Fans.

Mikey tries to keep things hot by flirting with Mary. What is going on here? There’s a million dollars to win, people! Joel notices Mikey’s “Player 101” moves and is wary, but he wants to vote out one of the older three to keep the tribe strong.

That night Cirie overhears “the sounds of jungle love” between Ozzy and Amanda. Yikes, they are really going at it. She talks to Jonathan about it and he invites her to work with him against the romantic four.

Challenge time. But first, some Fan tribe fashion notes:

1) I forgot to mention it last time, but Mikey calling Jason “Jon Bon Jovi in his prime” was hilariously dead-on. Sometimes you tell the day by the bottle that you drink.

2) Why is Natalie wearing her bikini top over her shirt?

3) Erik’s green ‘80s shorts may be the best Survivor swimsuit of all time.

The Challenge involves 5 swimmer/divers, 3 puzzle people and 1 “key-master.” The winners get Immunity, fishing gear and a boat, and they get to send someone from the other tribe to Exile Island, where there is a Hidden Immunity Island. Kathy is asked to sit out and we begin.

Ozzy shows he’s still the king of the seas. Attaboy staying in game shape. The Favorites have a decent lead and then Chet can’t dive so he can’t find his key. Joel yells at him to come back to shore, but it’s too late. The Favorites coast to victory.

The Favs send Kathy to Exile. Now a twist. They also have to send one of their own to the island. Cirie volunteers.

They made things a lot harder to find the Idol this season, which is great. No Yul finding the thing in three minutes. Instead the first clue sends then on a long hunt across the water to find another clue, which sends them to a third clue, and then a fourth clue. Then they get a vague direction in which to search, and they come up empty. That’s more like it.

Mikey comes up with a master plan to split their seven votes between Chet and Tracy in case Kathy finds the Idol. Everyone is confused.

Joel is upset that Mikey is running things so he talks to Alexis and Erik about voting out Mikey’s ally, Mary. Joel tries to get Chet, Tracy and Kathy in on the plan. And then Natalie. How many votes does he need?

Mary says she can trust Alexis, Mike and Natalie. Joel thinks his plan will work.

Time for the first Tribal Council for the Fans. We learn that Kathy can still use the Idol from the first episode. That makes Mikey’s vote calculus a little less crazy.

Chet says he decided to return to shore during the Challenge but Jeff corrects him and says it took Chet “forever” to make it back and he really cost his team. Mike wonders why Chet was out there when he isn’t a good swimmer.

Mikey votes for Chet, and Alexis apologizes to her mystery votee and says she’s just going with the majority.

The tally goes: Chet, Chet, Tracy, Mary, Mary, Tracy (3 different people with 2 votes. Are you kidding me?), Mary, Mary (4-2-2)…and Mary again. Joel succeeded.

Next time on…Survivor: Cirie chooses her alliance, the Fans’ shelter still stinks, and we have our first brutally physical Challenge.

Jeff congratulated the Fans on pulling off a blindside at the very first Council but that’s the thing, why are you blindsiding so soon? Here is how each person voted:

Mary: Erik, Tracy, Kathy, Chet, Alexis, Natalie
Chet: Mikey, Jason
Tracy: Mary, Joel

You read that right - Joel didn’t even end up voting for Mary! Was he so confident in his plan that wanted to be a one-man backup plan? Did he get scared at the last minute and decide to go with Mikey’s plan? He better explain that one next week.

The best part (and maybe the only good part) about this Fans format is getting the chance to see what would happen if you put a bunch of armchair quarterbacks into the Super Bowl. After one Tribal Council the answer is they try to win the game in the first 60 seconds of the first quarter.

You had alliances, and more alliances, and back-stabbing, and blind-siding all before the Fans’ first vote. It’s Day 6! You just vote out your weakest player (or second weakest player when Immunity is involved) and be done with it. Instead we had 10 people trying to think 50 moves ahead and play like they’re already in the final five.

But it’s a heck of a lot better than just lying around making out with each other.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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