We begin in Micronesia and at first the new castaways get it easy. No ship to abandon. No long swim. They don’t even have to paddle their own canoe. But then they get to shore and it’s pouring already. Welcome to Survivor.

The “Favorites” are introduced to varying amounts of applause. Yau-Man’s reception is the loudest. I think the cheers for Eliza were edited in.

Joel the fireman is fired up to see James. He says he thinks he can take him. I gar-own-tee that would be a bad idea.

Jonny Fairplay comes out in a “Will Lie 4 Food” trucker hat. Jeff taunts him, and rightfully so.

The Fans’ tribe is called Airai and the Favorites’ are Malakal. That’s the last time anyone uses those names.

The first twist is they have to cross a shallow bay to get to their boats and there’s an Individual Immunity Idol waiting for each tribe, but it can only be used for the first Tribal Council.

Fairplay finds one but it’s for the wrong tribe. He sees the other one but Yau-Man’s turtle-sense starts tingling and he makes a mad dash for it. They collide and Jonny’s head gets rammed into the boat. I may like this season after all.

Kathy picks up the Idol Jonny dropped. Fairplay says, “Yau-Man’s not nice. He sucks.”

Perhaps feeling comfortable because of the Idol, Kathy gets really personal with her tribemates. Within minutes of landing on their beach she’s openly talking to Chet about his gayness and to Tracy about her fake boobs. Oh my.

At the experienced camp, James is very happy with his tribe’s work ethic. They whip up dang near a real house in no time.

Speaking of no time, that’s how long it takes Poverty to start flirting with James. Not a shock there, but then you have Ozzy and Amanda feeling friendly. Eliza is aware of both potential couplings.

The inexperienced tribe works into the night and still doesn’t have a decent shelter by the time the rains come. Crazy Kathy cries.

The next day the Favorites get to game-playing. Jonathan, Ami, Eliza and Yau-Man form an alliance. Poverty talks to Fairplay and Ozzy about voting out Eliza. Fairplay takes this information and gives it to Jonathan’s group.

Yau-Man uses his glasses (and a drop of water to act as an additional magnifier – who knew?) to start a fire. The Favorites may as well open a bed and breakfast.

Day 3 brings the first Immunity Challenge. They have to assemble wheels with puzzle pieces and pull two tribemates through an obstacle course in a cart. The Fans get off to an early start and as the Favs try to catch up they run full-speed into a tree and send Eliza flying. She makes sure everything on her face is in the right place and they continue.

As the tribes dig for bridge planks Hairy Erik throws sand on the Favorites. The Fans maintain their lead throughout and win the Idol. Take that, you reruns!

Back at camp Jonny Fairplay tells us he knocked up his girlfriend and left her behind to chase more reality TV money. OK, he said it a little nicer than that. He’s actually very sad and he cries because he misses his unborn baby and unborn baby’s mama.

Jonny tells Poverty how he’s feeling and says he might ask them to vote him out. Poverty tells him to pretend he wants to go to throw off Eliza’s group. Jonny tells Ami but she doesn’t buy it.

At Tribal Council Fairplay talks about his baby. Jeff asks if he wants to go and Jonny says his head is “screwy” but he doesn’t answer the question. Yau-Man says he doesn’t think Jonny is quitting but Jonathan says he thinks he is.

But when it’s time to vote, both Jonathan and Yau-Man vote for Fairplay. Did the liar’s liar do it again?

No. The votes are tallied and every single one of them is for Jonny Fairplay and he happily departs.

I certainly didn’t see that one coming. As mentioned in the preview, this is Jonny’s job. These shows are what he does for a living. How can he walk away from free money and another 15 minutes of fame? Is his girlfriend back in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model?

Next time on…Survivor: Fireman Joel gets mad because people aren’t working, Kathy cries some more, we’re introduced to the new Exile Island, and Ozzy jumps Amanda, and not in a gang-initiation kind of way.

At this point my worst fears have been realized and it’s like we’re watching two different programs. On the one hand you have 10 people playing Survivor, and then you have another 10 people filming a season of Surreal Life. Really, one episode in and you’ve already got two couples? I wouldn’t be surprised if next week they have Tree-mail delivered by Flavor Flav and Bret Michaels.

Oh well. It’s Survivor. What are you going to do?

Awoooooooooooooooooo!!!

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