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Survivor 13 Preview

I've got good news, and bad news, and bad news, and good news. The good news is my sports writing is going very well (please ignore the sweet Internet nickname). The bad news is this means I won't be able to do any writing for the Amazing Race. I just don't have the time if I want to remember what Katarina looks like.

The other bad news is I will also have less time to work on my Survivor summentaries. But the good news I plan on banging them out Thursday night or Friday morning each week, so you'll get less to read but you'll get it sooner. Please don't destroy your computer in anger.

If you thought the bad news was I wasn't going to be doing any Survivor writing, relax. I'll be covering this show until season 67 when Jeff is doing Tribal Council with a walker and artificial hip.

So we're going to the Cook Islands this fall and no one cares. Why? Because everyone wants to talk about the gimmick. If you've managed to somehow not hear about it, this season will feature 20 castaways divided into 4 tribes. No big deal, right? Not until you learn the tribes are based on race. There's a white tribe, a black tribe, a Latino tribe, and an Asian tribe. Oh my.

They should have just gone all the way and had it in South Africa. Survivor: Segregation Island has a nice ring to it, don't ya think?

The Asians and Latinos are going to immediately know something's up on the boat ride in. They'll be thinking, "What a second, there's never more than one of us on this show. Did CBS get bought out by UPN?"

So in that regard, this is a good thing. Over the years I've commented plenty on the producers' obvious stereotyping in cast selection. You only get one black male per season and he has to play and/or coach sports. If there's a black woman, she's loud and sassy. All Asians must know karate. Finally we get a season where the majority is made up of minorities so "everyone else" will get a shot at TV fame and fortune.

But on the other hand they're really playing with fire here. All our lives when it comes to race relations the goal has been getting everyone to live together. Now we have a show where not only are people physically divided by race, but each ethnicity is competing against each other. You're almost asking for the bigoted slurs to start flying.

An anonymous reader asks, "With the upcoming Survivor being completely tied to race would it be politically incorrect for me to go for the white guys?" And that's the other big problem. Suddenly each contestant is identified by his or her race as part of the rules. What if my favorite cast member ends up being a white person? Does that make me some sort of racist? If I'm a black person watching at home, do I feel guilty if I like someone from the other tribes better than the African-Americans?

Hopefully Mark Burnett just did this to get everyone's attention (it certainly worked) and they'll mix things up after only a couple episodes. Do we really want to see an entire race get wiped out to extinction on the show? Combine the tribes quickly and let's go back to trying to get along.

Without further social commentary, here are your Cook Island castaways (in simple alphabetical order. You'll have to go to the official site to learn which race/tribe/nation each person belongs to. For a lot of people you can't even tell at first glance, which is about as American as you can get):

Adam is a 28-year-old copier salesman from California. He has a butt-chin.

Becky is also 28 and she's from Washington, D.C. She's a lawyer and was a boxer in college. I'm not sure which one makes her more frightening.

Billy is from New York and he's 36. He's a heavy metal guitarist and a pro wrestler, which means he probably owns a ton of spandex.

Brad is a fashion director from L.A. He's 29 and his hairless chest glistens in the sun.

Candice is a 23-year-old pre-med student from North Carolina. Survivor: Africa inspired her to work in Kenya, which makes her even more obsessed than me.

Anh-Tuan is from Virginia and he's 42. He's a prelate in the loyal order of moose (insert Bullwinkle joke here) and he goes by "Cao Boi" which is pronounced "cowboy". I'm going to start insisting on being called "Ree Lee Coo Ell Gy".

Cecilia is a technology risk consultant from California. Everyone is 29 on this show, which probably means half of them are lying.

Cristina is a 35-year-old cop from L.A. So she's just like Amy from Guatemala, except she's a woman.

Jenny is 36 and from Illinois. She has a degree in journalism and she worked as a TV reporter, so naturally she is now a real estate agent.

Jessica is from California, 27, and she's a performance artist/rollergirl/weirdo.

Jonathan is 44, from L.A., and he's a writer/producer/director/actor/who/really/likes/slashes.

J.P. is a pro volleyball player from southern California. He is 30 and has no vowels in his name.

Nathan is a 26-year-old from L.A. He's the buffest shoe salesman I've ever seen.

Ozzy is a waiter and he's 25. Why do they list people's hometowns as Venice, Santa Monica or Marina Del Rey? I guess it would look silly if 6 of the first 14 people were from Los Angeles. Oh wait, it does.

Parvati is a 23-year-old waitress, and guess where she's from? She's also listed as a "boxer" but if you read further down her bio it's for something called Perfect 10 Model Boxing. Gentlemen, don't bring up their web site with your wife in the room or she might suddenly become a boxer too.

Rebecca is from New York and she's a 34-year-old makeup artist. She does works with Elisabeth from Survivor: Outback on "The View." We should all be so lucky.

Sekou is a jazz musician from a certain big city on the west coast. He's a 45-year-old grandfather of two.

Stephannie is 35. She's a nursing student from South Carolina and she'll annoy my spellchecker the entire season.

Sundra is a 31-year-old actress from - are you kidding? Another person from L.A.? Did Burnett just drive around in a van and pick people up?

Yul is a management consultant and he's 31. I'm happy to report that San Mateo, CA is not near L.A. I'm also happy to make the first "Yul be sorry" joke.

Wow, nobody over 45. I guess if you're going to include all these minorities you have no choice but to cut out the old folks. Heaven forbid you end up short a couple bikini girls.

Who is going to win? I refuse to guess. My last rock-solid rule was obliterated last season with young male Aras won. It is 100% anyone's game this time.

You might even call it a wide-open…race.



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