CBS is trying to be mysterious with this one. All you have on the official site is a huge picture of the cast, bios of each castaway, and nothing else. There are no videos of any kind. I thought my web site was bad, but if you click on any of the bios, there's no link to get back to the main page. You can't use your Back button either since the whole thing's in Flash. Add the fact that, as Lorisa noticed, they're all carrying special Survivor purses, and it's all very strange.

They don't even give us tribe names, but you can see who's where based on the buffs. And so I present to you the sixteen participants in Survivor Guatemala.

Unknown Orange Tribe:

Blake is a 24-year-old Commercial Real Estate Broker/Model from Texas. You gotta have a slash-model on the show. Although, I wouldn't select him to model anything requiring bottom teeth.

Brandon is a Farmer/Rancher from Kansas. He's 22 and his favorite smells are "scent of a woman" and "fresh cut grass." I'm guessing he has a lot more experience with the latter.

Brooke is 26 and a Law Student from Oregon. She's a hot Beaver.

Cindy is a Florida Zoo Keeper. This 31-year-old has a twin sister named Mindy. This was her fourth time applying for Survivor. Let's hope not everyone who works with animals is as dumb as Ian.

Danni is 30 and she works as a Sports Radio Talk Show Host in Kansas. She was Miss Teen Kansas in 1992 and did some modeling in Europe. She certainly has mastered the confused model look.

Jim is 16 years older than anyone else on the show. This 63-year-old Retired Fire Captain from Colorado's favorite colors include "Marine Corp Green." Just a hunch, but he probably doesn't crochet.

Judd is a 35-year-old Hotel Doorman from New Jersey. He has a twin brother named Timmy. You know, if I was named Judd IV, I think I'd let that family trend die out.

Margaret, 43, Ohio, Nurse. She lists her favorite music as UB40. If your favorite band is a British reggae band with one original hit in the '80s, UB not cool.

Secret Blue Tribe:

Amy is a Police Sergeant from Massachusetts. This 39-year-old once played professional football. I'd let her eat all the rice she wanted.

Brian is 22 years old and he's an Ivy League Student from New York. He thinks he's going to use "psychological mind games" on people and "lie, cheat, steal and flirt." I'm still trying to figure out with whom he'll be flirting.

Brianna, the 21-year-old Retail Sales Make-Up Artist from Washington, lists her favorite actresses as Britney Spears, Carmen Electra, and "any hot chick." She has very high standards I see.

Gary is 47. He's a Real Estate Developer in Michigan but he used to be an NFL quarterback. I actually know who he is! He mainly played for the Cowboys and Colts but he threw in a year with my home-state Cardinals at the end of his career. Go Cardinals!

Jamie is a Water Ski Instructor from California. He has a 24-year-old twin brother named Ramie and, you'll never believe this, but he wants to be an actor. His favorite magazine is Playboy and his favorite author is J.K. Rowling. I don't want to know how he envisions Hermione.

Lydia is 42, from Washington, and a Fishmonger. I had to look up "fishmonger." It means she sells fish. I'm going to start telling people I'm a cheapwebsitemonger.

Morgan works as a Magician's Assistant/Waitress in Illinois. This 21-year-old says her greatest achievement is "allowing (her parents) to live vicariously through her." Gee, that's nice of her. Maybe she'll allow us to enjoy some of her humility.

Rafe is our second 22-year-old Ivy League Student, but he's the only one from Rhode Island. His parents are Ren and Lani. Wasn't that a poorly drawn cartoon from a few years back? He has more than 60 first cousins. Holy Christmas present disaster, Batman!

There you have it. What do we know about the show? Not much, but I like it that way. There are three people from the Pacific Northwest and two from Kansas. There are three twins, which can't be a coincidence. And the purses are very intriguing. It's about time Survivor accessorized!

One other thing stands out and that's the lack of male eye candy. There are five 20-something males. Two of them are nerds, one's a hick, and the other two have heads wide enough for Gary old teams to practice on. Maybe a couple of the guys will look better than their pictures, but Lorisa isn't pleased at this point.

Watch the season premiere THIS THURSDAY and I'll talk to you again soon!

Out of hibernation,
Scott

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