Who would’ve thought the little summer “game show” from the year 2000 would still be around five years and nine full seasons later. And you don’t even want to try and count the number of Survivor-inspired reality shows that have followed. Our little program is all grown up.

Enough mushiness. Enter Jeff driving a boat. What a man. We learn each of the twenty contestants has nothing but the clothes on their backs and a canteen of water. They’re all together in a big rowboat. Jeff says there are two machetes and a map to water waiting for them on shore, as well as two Immunity Necklaces. The first man and first woman there get Immunity.

One problem: They’re still a mile from shore. They wisely decide to row closer. Everyone’s thinking about the race when…we’ll let Willard the lawyer tell it: “This lunatic jumps up and starts to sing a song. I wanted to knock her off with the oar.” It’s Wanda the English teacher, and she tells us she’s written a bunch of songs for the trip. Yikes.

The first person to jump into the water is Stephenie, the pharmaceutical sales rep (is that what they call drug dealers these days?). Jonathan the salesman is right behind her. One problem: Everyone else stays in the boat and they easily pass the swimmers! The first blunder is in the books.

When they get much closer to the beach everyone else finally jumps in. We already see too much of pale-and-tattooed Angie the--surprise--bartender. Tend to some pants, please.

Ian the dolphin trainer easily gets the men’s Necklace. The women’s race is much closer and lawyer #2 Jolanda takes the prize. Everyone introduces themselves and we get a shot at the early divers still swimming in. Ha ha.

Lawyer #2 Caryn takes charge of dividing people between getting water and building a shelter. Wanda starts singing again.

We’re told they thought they’d be able to change into some of the other clothes they brought which is why people like Jolanda are stuck in things like high heels. The moral of the story? If you get picked for Survivor you’d better put on comfortable outdoor clothes immediately and never take them off.

Coby the gay hairdresser is already trying to form alliances. Angie is still not wearing pants.

Janu the Vegas showgirl climbs a tree to help with the shelter. She’s probably the worst prepared of all of them with her mesh shirt thing.

Sing a song of last place.

Fireman Tom talks alliance too. Jolanda eats a bug for no reason. Coby doesn’t like Jonathan the early jumper and tries to get others to vote against him.

Day 2 and they’re still one big group. What’s going on here? Jeff shows up to make sense of it all.

The Immunity winners stand away from the others. Jeff says they’re going to pick tribes…but with only nine people each! That’s right, the two who don’t get picked have to immediately go home!

Each person picked has to choose the next person for their tribe and they alternate between genders.

Ian’s tribe goes in this order:
Katie the ad exec – Tom – Janu – Gregg the business consultant – Jenn the nanny – Coby (who is now wearing his pink shirt as a way-too-small skirt) – Caryn.

Jolanda’s tribe starts:
Bobby Jon the waiter – Stephenie – Jeff the personal trainer – Kim the student (and former Miss Ohio) – James the hillbilly steelworker – Ashlee the other student – Ibrehem the other waiter.

"We are Koror! Hear us Ko-roar!"

That leaves Caryn to choose between Willard and Jonathan. Coby gets his wish as Jonathan is left behind.

Ibrehem has either Wanda or Angie. Tough call. He goes with sanity and picks Angie.

Jonathan and Wanda get on a boat and people start crying. What for? Maybe it’s because Wanda sings one last time.

So Jolanda ends up with two students, two waiters, a bartender, a pusher, a steeler and a musclehead. They’d better hope they don’t have to do any puzzles.

Team Genius is called Ulong and will wear blue. Ian’s tribe is Koror and gets brown buffs. He’s very happy with his “wise tribe.”

The first Challenge is a jungle obstacle course and it’s for Reward and Immunity. The Reward comes in the form of optional items that can be picked up in the middle of the course: flint for fire, water, food, and a tarp. The catch is they’re all in heavy boxes, so the more you take, the slower you go. Only the winning tribe gets to keep its items.

The teams are very close as they get to the supplies. Koror only grabs the fire and quickly moves on. Ulong tries to get everything, which makes some members of the tribe angry. They end up bringing food and water but no fire. Huh?

"We are Ulong! We are Ustrong!"

Koror takes a big lead to the canoeing portion of the race. Ulong can’t steer and “is looking for another island,” Jeff says. He’s in midseason form. Koror wins and it’s not even close.

The victors get the choice of keep their current beach or moving to an unknown new spot. They take what’s behind door #1. We see an overhead shot of Koror paddling to their new home when--WHOOP--their boat capsizes! That’s hilarious.

But wait. The box with the fire supplies fell out and sank! That’s not hilarious. For them anyway.

Back at Ulong, Angie thinks she’s going to be voted out. Maybe they’d like you more if you covered up your butt.

Jolanda tells Stephenie she wants Angie gone. Shephenie agrees but goes to Bobby Jon and says she wants Jolanda gone. Bobby Jon says they need Jo’s strength.

Jolanda is now running around in a thong. Oh my. She proceeds to start giving orders, still without pants. Imagine if Donald Trump tried that in the boardroom. Actually, you’d better not.

At Tribal Council James says, “This is a daaaaaaaamn fiiiiiiine triiiibe.” Ashlee says they need a leader and Jolanda says she wants to help lead. She is covered up this time.

Jo's thong is gone from Ulong.

Jolanda and Angie vote for each other but that’s all we see. The tally goes:
Angie, Jolanda, Angie, Angie, Jolanda, Jolanda, Jolanda – Jolanda again! And she is the third person to leave but the first voted out. We learn Ibrehem and Bobby Jo were Angie’s other two votes.

Next time on…Survivor: Rats and rain, “Jeff and Kim get cozy,” and Koror tries to salvage their fire box.

So let’s take inventory:
Combustible personalities? Check.
Pretty people wearing not much? Check.
One young dumb tribe? Big check.

I love Survivor times 10.

-Scott

Email us! DangFun@mail.com
Back to the Survivor 10 Index
Dang Fun Home