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The Square of Life

I've been wanting to restart writing some non-TV stuff but I don't seem to know too much about anything. So I decided to write about something I know NOTHING about: having a baby.

Yes, Lorisa and I are starting a family. I am going to be a father. Scary, I know. The first few chapters will be getting you up to speed. I'll let you know when we're caught up and "live" again.

The plan is to write about the parenting process from a clueless first-person perspective. I don't claim to be an expert or even a novice. Nothing that looks like advice should be taken without consulting your physician, your family, your librarian and two mechanics. Seriously, I don't know what I'm doing. And we begin.

Tick Tock

We had been married for three years and together for almost seven. We had talked about having kids from the start and both agreed it's what we wanted down the road. What we didn't exactly agree on was the length of this road.

Lorisa's map called for a journey just down the street. She had been ready for children for about, oh, three years of marriage. OK, I exaggerate. Two years, eleven months, and twenty-nine days of marriage.

My ride to reproduction was mapped out a bit differently. I wanted to take the scenic route. I hoped to do some traveling (literally), just the two of us. I wanted to save up some money. In other words, I was scared.

None of this was new to my spouse however. I had made her wait before I "asked her out" and we were "official." I made her wait for a proposal. Hanging out with me is a good way to experience wait gain.

But I was running out of excuses. We had three years of marriage under our belts. We had recently moved into our first house. And Lorisa's biological clock was ticking louder than Big Ben.

Finally I realized she had the correct time. We had been able to enjoy a couple nice vacations. As far as finances, our parents kept telling us if you wait until you can "afford" to have a baby, you'll never have a baby. Translation: Sometimes you just have to stop being a wuss.

I was on board the conception bandwagon.

Blind Birds and Bumbling Bees

This is supposed to be the fun part. "Making babies." Piece of cake, right? I took health class in high school. Got an A in it even. And judging from your typical show on the WB, you'd think if two young passionate members of the opposite sex looked at each other wrong someone would get pregnant. I figured since there were bullets in the gun and the target was willing, this should be a snap. Like shooting ova in a barrel.

Well, it ain't that easy.

First of all, women only have a twenty-some-odd percent chance of getting pregnant during each monthly cycle. Our doctor told us it routinely takes up to a year for a trying couple to conceive. We best get started then.

So we got to work. Gents, isn't it interesting how amorous your partner becomes where there's a big prize involved? Suddenly it's never too late, or too early, too busy or too tired. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying.

Gents, isn't it not interesting when you're not the machine of manhood you always believed? I never would have thought "Be careful what you wish for" would apply to the lovin'.

But my deflated…ego and I survived. We marched upward and onward. We took one for the team. We gave at the office. Again and again and again.

"Oh baby!"

Disclaimer: Scott is just a regular guy reproducing. Look for the tale to continue in about a week.