Summer is here and that means the aspiring blockbusters are coming to a theater near you. Do you want your next trip to the cinema to have a happy ending? Read on, my film-loving friend.
1. Wait to see new films.
What's opening this weekend? Who cares! Why be the first person to see a bad movie when you could avoid it altogether? A while back I was choosing between X-Men 2 and The Matrix Reloaded. I kept hearing that X-Men was fun while Ted "Theodore" Logan's Matrix was uninspiring. I went to see X-Men and had a great time. They say the best promotion a movie can have is word of mouth. Don't go see something before the mouths have opened.
2. Take in a matinee.
It's simple math. The less you spend per trip to the Cineplex, the more times you can go.
"Dinner and a movie" can just as easily be "a movie and dinner." Plus you can work on your tan on the way to and from the car.
3. Choose your seat wisely.
Nothing turns an Oscar-winning film into a TV movie of the week faster than walking out of the theater with back or neck pain. Obviously the seats up front and on the far sides are bad. But good seats can be contaminated by bad people. Be on the lookout for groups of teenagers. They are usually more interested in each other than the screen. Avoid sitting by someone talking on the phone before the movie starts at all costs. You know they're not going to turn it off just because some cartoon during the previews says so.
You're also trying to avoid seat-kickers and monstrous laughers. Cursed with a small bladder? Do us all a favor and sit close to the aisle. My bruised feet thank you.
Notice if you follow steps 1 and 2, the crowds are smaller and step 3 becomes a lot easier to pull off. It's like a surprise movie ending that makes perfect sense. "Ooooooh, I get it now…."
4. Leave the kids at home.
Is there anything more painful than watching an adult bring a child into an R-rated movie? These people put the sin in cinema. If it's not The Rugrats or some talking fish, your children probably don't need to see it. A night out with your buddies or alone as a couple is always good from time to time. Never ever bring a baby to the movies. If you can't get a babysitter, you should be spending your free time making friends.
5. Smuggle food into the theater.
That's right. I said it. First you pay a small fortune to get into the theater. Then, if you're like me, you have to have popcorn so you fork over another king's ransom. I therefore have no problem with importing your own candy to balance things out. And if you're suave enough to get beverages in, more power to you. Drink one for me.
If you're the kind of person who likes to be at opening night in a theater packed with raucous people, you probably stopped reading this a long time ago. You probably also have a lot CD's with only one good song on them. But some of you like to actually hear what the characters are saying, and want to follow whatever plotline is given. I understand, and I give you two thumbs up.