Yes, I'm covering the Amazing Race again, but if I want to stay married this will have to be even shorter than last season. In addition to Survivor, I've taken on a local weekly sports column (which I will eventually archive here, just to pretend people might be interested). So I'm already logging extra hours behind the old keyboard . But y'all are worth it.
I'm going to focus just on commentary this season, so if you miss an episode and need a play-by-play recap, I recommend the official CBS site.
Let's Race...family style.
Here's what we know about each team after one episode:
Aiello family
A man and his three sons-in-law. Or is it son-in-laws? Anyway, he's older and shorter than all of them.
Black family
How racist can you get? Not only does CBS cast just one family of color, but they don't even let them use their real name. Wait, Black is their real name? Um, well, uh...nice tie-dyed shirts.
Bransen family
A dad and his three blonde twenty-something daughters. Like the hotdog stand guy said, "I wanna be on that team."
"How YOU doin'?"
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Gaghan family
The white family with little kids. Make that cocky little kids. Blah blah, I can run a seven-minute mile, blah blah, I can trick any adult. Gaghan me with a spoon.
Godlewski family
Four sisters aged 26 to 42. They're also blonde, and really really loud.
Linz family
Four siblings in Dang Fun-colored shirts. Wow, the oldest is only 24? I thought they were much older. Lay off the beer, fellas.
Paolo family
Yeah, it's that family. Loud-mouthed Italians from New York. Did they have auditions on the set of "Growing Up Gotti"?
Rogers family
Mr. Rogers' neighborhood is in Louisiana. He and his wife brought their two college-age children. Um, I don't remember anything about them except the boy has a lot of hair on his forehead.
Schroeder family
Also from Louisiana. Dad, stepmom, and two teenage kids. That's all I got.
Weaver family
A widow and three teens. The boy's hair is whiter than Phil's teeth. The girls' shorts are way too short. The mom almost orphaned them on the show.
Yeah, let's start there. Good heavens, was that not one of the freakiest things you've ever seen on reality TV? If that Amish buggy had actually run over her, it would've broken both her legs or worse. That went from "ha ha--run, lady!" to "please don't be dead" in a hurry. No wonder the Mennonites are afraid of motors.
The one thing we learned in this episode is none of these teams look terribly bright.
The White family was first to the sporting goods store, followed by the siblings. Both of them got lost on the way to Pennsylvania. The siblings ended up second-to-last overall.
My Three Sons-In-Law were first to the river crossing followed by My Three Daughters. They ended up seventh and eighth.
The widowed family got to the Amish farm first. But then Mom almost died and they lost a ton of time. They recovered to finish third.
The sisters were in the last group to leave the campsite, they got horribly lost all day, and they ended up winning!
Good try, African American Family.
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The marathon runners probably had the most consistent performance, but I can't imagine those tiny kids being able to keep up for the long haul.
Did I miss something? They're still going to race around the world, right? They only went from New York to Philly this week, and they're in a Civil War reenactment next week. If they cut costs and just have them cross America, I'll be upset. I want to see some kids get detained by foreign authorities.
I take back my earlier comment: The most consistent performance was turned in by the Black family. The only problem is they were consistently bad.
And we didn't even get to know their real name.
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